A Step Backwards: Proposals Good and Bad

First let me say there is no right or wrong way to propose to your girl. However, experience has taught me that there are some general Dos and Don’ts to consider when it’s time to pop the question.

I don’t want to stifle your creativity because the ladies like it when the proposal from their beloved has some thought behind it. They appreciate the effort. That continues throughout the relationship, by the way. So let’s start with the Don’ts first.

Probably the biggest one is, don’t propose in front of a large number of people or on live TV. I’ve never met a woman who thought that being asked to marry in front of a stadium or a studio audience was a good idea. Unless she actually SAYS that it would be fun, I wouldn’t do it. The ladies like to share the news of their engagement with their friends and family in little bits, savoring the moments as they unfold. Don’t ruin that for them.

Don’t hide the ring in food or drink. You won’t get any credit for originality and you might end up sitting in the emergency room or digging through garbage all night.

Obviously, don’t propose over the phone, in a text message or while you’re doing something trivial (unless you like hearing the word "no" when asking life-altering questions).

Don't propose to her in front of her family (or on front of yours).

Don’t propose while drunk, after a fight, or after sex (either individually or in any combination).

Don’t propose while you are sick (either of you).

Don’t ask somebody else to ask her FOR you and definitely don’t use a ring that you’ve given to somebody else before (unless you LIKE sleeping alone).

The best proposals are done with few people around and with no distractions. The proposal should be a surprise, even if you’ve already discussed it beforehand and agreed that it should happen. She might know it's coming but the timing should be unexpected.

I know it’s hard to be creative, but you don’t have to take the creativity to tremendous heights, just be slightly unique. Be yourself -- but your cooler and more sensitive self. Be prepared in case she doesn't answer you right away. Be patient and understanding. It's good practice for being a husband.

When I proposed to my wife, I did it in a restaurant. I put the ring in a music box and gift-wrapped it for her. I was about to go on a long trip so I made that an excuse to give her the gift – to remind her of me while I was gone. An engagement ring was the best reminder possible.

When she found the ring I dropped to one knee and quietly asked her to marry me right there in the restaurant. Only a couple of tables even saw me and I'm not sure that they knew what I was doing. I didn't care anyway.

We still visit that restaurant and will always remember that table with fondness. It was very intimate and romantic and just creative enough to not be cookie-cutter without going anywhere near over the top.

Often the choice of location is the most meaningful choice you can make, like where you met or the first place you kissed. In our case, it was a restaurant we frequented often during our courtship.

This may sound silly, but you should practice exactly what you’re going to say so that you don’t stumble over the words. She'll want to hear you say it in a clear, confident voice. It is also nice to tell her why you want her to marry you, so think about that before you walk into battle.  She will appreciate the extra effort to express yourself.

And of course, DO have a ring. It doesn't mean a thing unless you put a ring on it.

I know being in love makes you want to shout it from the rooftops, but if you’re thinking about writing it in the sky, stop and reflect for a moment about what you’re doing, and consider something more low-key. Your future wife will appreciate it. Trust me on this one.

Two for the road. Often at the end of a  posting I will point you in the direction of a vendor that I have worked with numerous times and can safely recommend. This post I have two for you.

The first is photographer Jason Thrasher. He is a top-notch photographer and a stand-up guy. He has a great bedside manner and does wonderful work on the back end to clean up the photos and make you look good!

Next I would guide you to Consultants Unlimited, one of the best wedding and event planning companies around. Those guys are great and really know what they are doing when it comes to planning a wedding. Give them a call to make your wedding top-shelf and above.

-Rev. Sam

Feeling the Pressure

This is the last entry of the year. I hope 2010 was a good year for everybody and that 2011 is even more excellent. Let’s get right to it.

In the sixteen years since my first wedding there is one thing that has remained consistent. No matter how cool the temperature at wedding time, the groom always has that sheen of sweat across the forehead. Couples feel the pressure as their marriage draws near no matter how many years of togetherness have passed before the wedding.

Most of this pressure is self-inflicted and the result of not seeing the whole picture of their wedding service. Brides and grooms – and their families – often get too caught up in the details of the service to the point that it can become tedious for everybody.

There are a number of things that everybody should remember about the wedding service that will help the bride and groom to remain calm on their wedding day.

First, let’s look at the source of the nervousness. I would say a very small percentage of the pressure couples feel is because of concern over whether this is the right thing to do with the right person. Again, I say very small because I believe that the vast majority of couples believe that the person they stand with before me is the right person and that marriage is the right choice.

A second source of pressure is from family members on either side who may not feel that the marriage is a good idea. Again, an extremely small number of weddings have even a hint of this feeling about them as most families are on their best behavior on the wedding day whether they are completely into it or not – for the kids.

So, ninety-five percent of the nervousness that couples feel on their wedding day is the result of their wedding happening in front of a live audience. Brides, grooms, and families can start to feel like the wedding service is a show or a concert where brides and grooms will be expected to perform before critics and the media.

Here is a list of things brides and grooms should remember to help them through this.

First of all, a wedding is not some public event with the photographer from the newspaper standing ready with the camera in case the bride trips or the groom drops the ring. The people in attendance are your friends and family and the photographer is the one you hired to make you look good. No matter what happens in front of these people it will be fine. They love you and will be happy no matter what happens during your service. Plus, if anything funny does happen, it will just be a good story to tell for the rest of your life.

Next, most couples don’t realize that the wedding service, although it may be attended by hundreds, is really something that takes place between the three of us up at the front. Your backs are turned to the audience during half the service and you turn to face each other the other half. You only have to turn and face the crowd as you exit, so the actual service is something that feels very intimate just between us.

Third, long before you arrive at the altar in front of me we will have worked out the text of your service. I will have it before me and I will direct you through it with the greatest of ease. I will have two voices – big voice and small voice. With big voice I will speak to everybody in the room. In small voice I will direct you every step of the way, telling you when to turn and face each other, when to answer a long question with “I do,” when to repeat after me, when to hand your flowers to the maid of honor and when to get them back and face everybody for the pronouncement.

The last thing you should remember about your wedding service is that you really don’t have to remember anything for your wedding service. Unless you choose to memorize your vows, which I highly discourage, you should just clear your mind and take mental pictures as I guide you through your service, telling you what to do and what to say every step of the way.

The only thing I ever instruct anyone to remember for their wedding service is for the bride to remember to lift the front of her dress if she has to walk up stairs to the altar so she doesn’t trip on the hem of her dress. Otherwise, going in with a clear and worry-free mind is the best way to approach a wedding service.

Beautiful Music. Often at the end of each blog entry I like to mention wedding venues and vendors in the North Georgia area that cross my path. Recently I had the good fortune to work with a most excellent pianist named Kristin Horne. Please keep her in mind as you plan your wedding. Kristin also plays at receptions and offers lessons for children and adults at her studio located at 2167 Atlanta Hwy SE in Statham, GA, or you can call her at 678-334-5264. She is very smooth, very professional, and will attend your rehearsal for a small, extra fee, which is over and beyond the call of duty for most wedding musicians.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

License to Wed

The first step in making your marriage legal is for you and your future partner to go to your local probate court to apply for a marriage license. If either of you are a resident of the state of Georgia, you can go to any probate court to get a license that is good to marry anywhere in the state of Georgia. It makes sense to go to your local probate court, even if you are getting married in a different county as it is easier to go local.

If neither of you are residents of the state of Georgia then you must make application to marry in the SAME COUNTY where the service is to be held. Also, if either of you have been married before, be sure to ask if you need to bring a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree with you as you make application to marry. My understanding is that if you are residents of Georgia you do not need this document, but I would ask anyway just to be sure.

There are no required blood tests anymore, so you needle-phobes can just relax. You do need to take your drivers’ licenses (or a certified copy of your birth certificate or a passport if you don’t drive) with you. At the probate court they will have you fill out and sign some papers and pay them some money. Then they will give you a document which you will give to me before the service. I am required by law to fill that document out and send it back in to the probate court promptly after the service. That document does NOT require witnesses. Hopefully they will give you a return envelope for me to use but not always.

Since that document does not require witnesses, sometimes couples will cook up an unofficial document that does have a place for the couple, witnesses, and me to sign and is used as a photo-op after the ceremony, but that is somewhat unusual as you generally already have enough wedding details to see to already.

Once I fill that document out (I simply fill in the date you were married, the city and county, my signature, title and address) and send it in, it typically takes about two or three weeks for the probate court to generate your original marriage certificate(s). I do suggest that you ask them about getting some extra, certified copies for your filing cabinet as you will be asked for certified copies of your marriage certificate at various times during your married life (for example, insurance companies love to ask for a certified copy to prove that you are married).

Now, as for GETTING your certified copies, different probate courts behave differently in this regard. Some will automatically mail them to you. Other probate courts ask you to come back in to pick them up. This is something you should ask them about on your first trip to the probate court. That way, you will know exactly what you will need to do – or not do – to get your marriage certificate(s). If they require you to pick them up, that is sometimes helpful because your next step would be to take a certified copy to the Social Security office to apply for the bride’s name change.

In some cases, couples are in a hurry to receive their certified copies of their marriage certificate. In this case, you need to ask the probate court if you can hand deliver that document that I fill out so that they can generate your certified copies right away. Some probate courts will do this and others won’t. Again, it is important that you ask as you make your application if you need this extra level of service.

If you are going on a cruise for your honeymoon, be sure to tell your wedding minister as you will need to take with you a copy of that document that I send in after the service. I’m not exactly sure why you need this, but my experience has taught me that this is the case. That document has no official purpose other than for the probate court to use to generate your marriage certificate but for some reason the cruise lines require it before boarding.

In the sixteen years or so since I became a wedding minister, there have been a few occasions where the document that I fill out and send in gets lost somewhere between my mailbox and the probate court. If this happens do not panic. The probate court can re-issue the document that you gave to me before the service to do again.. You can mail it to me and I can fill it out and mail it back in to the probate court and presto, problem solved – all by mail.

In this downward economy, I have noticed that probate courts are somewhat slower than usual in generating marriage licenses, so be patient with them. I’m guessing this has to do with reduced staff at probate courts in order to save money. I have also seen an upturn in misplaced documents in the last few years as they pass through the USPS. Again, I’m guessing this has a lot to do with reduced staff and corner cutting on the part of the post office but I can’t be sure.

Again, fixing the problem of lost documents is easily fixed with a call or quick visit to your probate court. If you arrange for your certified marriage certificate(s) to be mailed to you and you DON’T receive them within a month, the first thing you want to do is contact the probate court to see if there was a misunderstanding about how you retrieve them. They will help you go from there.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Holiday Weddings

Within the last year a new trend seems to be emerging that may be related to the economy – or not. People are now more often getting married on holidays, particularly New Years Eve, New Years Day, and July Fourth.

There are many advantages to getting married on these holidays. For one thing, you’ll always be off of work on your anniversary. For another, there will always be a party on your anniversary – many times with fireworks!

People are generally off work on holidays, so it's easier for your families and friends to attend your wedding when you marry on a holiday. It also means that you are off work for your anniversary every year.

There are some down sides to a holiday wedding however, especially if you want to have a full wedding with all the trimmings. First of all, it might be hard to find vendors willing to work on holidays – and if they do they may charge extra. Your search to find a minister, photographer, caterer, musician or Dee-Jay may be harder, so be prepared to be turned down a lot.

Next, it might be hard to secure the venue that you want because the people that manage and maintain those properties will want to be off on holidays.

Lastly, some people that you will want to attend your wedding may not because of other travel plans and family obligations. For example, if you get married on New Years Eve, your brother might not be there because he and his wife go to see her family up in Jersey this time every year – things like that. Some families divide up the holidays and simply will not be available to come to your wedding.

So while getting married on a holiday seems like a great idea, in practice it works best for the smaller, home-bound weddings or destination elopement services. It also works if your extended families are small and live close together. You can find success if the venue you choose is open all year, like a park or similar public place – or your home for that matter.

The holiday wedding works best for those that cater their own wedding and who don’t need a professional photographer – having a friend take pictures instead. The fewer vendors you have to get involved the easier your holiday wedding will be to plan and execute. Like an elopement, the best holiday wedding is the simpler one.

And now a word from our sponsors. As time goes by I like to mention certain vendors that stand out in their field. One such vendor is photographer Wingate Downs. I’ve know Wingate for most of the sixteen years I have been a wedding minister and I can safely say he is a top-shelf photographer of the highest order. If you want the highest quality photos and an engaging, pleasant photographer to shoot your wedding, go for experience and give Wingate a call or visit his website.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Something Old Something New

I rarely get asked about wedding caterers or photographers or DJ’s, but I often get asked to suggest a location for the wedding.  That’s my something old for this post.

There are many events facilities around North Georgia that are tucked away and unknown, often quaint and unique, sometimes themed and sometimes just a good, open space that is shaded and peaceful.

I found a new events facility that is smack dab in the middle of Northeast Georgia called Boutier Winery (pronounced BOO-SHAY`). Boutier Winery is a winery first, producing award winning wines and bottled with either their label or YOUR picture on the label for your wedding.  They will even make cases of small bottles with the happy couple’s picture on it as gifts to the attendees.

Having established themselves as wine producers, they have now expanded their facilities to include a space for weddings and special events. Located outside of Danielsville, GA, Boutier is only thirty minutes from Athens and 80 minutes from Atlanta, nestled into the countryside with the quiet of nature around you.

Their outdoor wedding area is well manicured and the barrel water fountain is a nice touch. Inside is plenty of room for up to 150 guests and a bar area where the owners are on hand to answer questions about the wines they produce, which everyone seemed to enjoy immensely.

According to owners Victor Boutier and Mary Jakupi-Boutier, Boutier Winery will soon break ground on a bed and breakfast right there on the property that will have enough bedrooms to put the wedding party and both sides of the family up for the entire weekend, making Boutier Winery a top shelf, one-stop wedding destination.  I especially enjoyed the nice drive in the countryside to get there. Highway 106, as it makes its way north of Athens, seems to have a quaint, country church around every curve. I love it.

And now, something completely different.  I have discovered a new trend that I think is not only very pleasant, but is a very thoughtful gesture on the part of the couple: providing a boxed, courtesy meal to the vendors, like the minister, the musician or DJ, the photographer, the bartenders, and the flower arranger.

In the last few years I have noticed that couples are taking the comfort of their wedding party members more into consideration, providing good food and drink for bridesmaids and groomsmen in their dressing rooms. Often people forget to eat and drink on a busy day like a wedding day can be, so just having some finger food within reach is a great thing to remember to do for your wedding party.

Extending this courtesy to the vendors I think is the most considerate thing I’ve seen in a long time. There are only so many Saturdays in a year, so often we have to leave one wedding and go straight to another with hardly the time or inclination to stop and eat. Having food offered to you on such a day can make all the difference in the world and is a courtesy that is certainly appreciated, especially considering that the caterers are laying out all this great smelling, wonderful food that we must work around but not touch.

 This trend is so new that I suggest you strongly urge the vendors to take advantage of this courtesy, letting them know in advance and reminding them often that a boxed lunch or dinner will be waiting for them, or have the caterers deliver the food directly to the vendors as some will be too shy to go ask for it themselves – until (or if) this trend does take hold.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Put a Ring On It

The exchange of wedding rings is something that most all weddings have. I have done one wedding that did not involve exchanging rings, but that was a situation where the groom had no ring finger to speak of. Unless this is true for you or your beloved, you can expect the exchanging rings to be a part of your ceremony.

The most important thing to remember about the rings is DON’T FORGET THEM! I have done the odd wedding where we had to find a couple of rings to stand in, one of them being a skull ring. Unless you want to get married with a skull ring, you want to make sure the rings make it to the service.

When I arrive at the venue on the day of the wedding, the first thing on my checklist is to make sure the rings are here. If not, we still have time to send somebody to the hotel or house where they were left.

The question arises next of who will carry the rings during the service. Sometimes there is a ring-bearer. It is generally not a good idea to give the actual rings to the ring-bearer for a number of reasons. They may set the pillow down somewhere and forget where the left it. If they are very young they may not cooperate during the service and in fact may run the other way screaming. 

If they are old enough to be dependable during the service, it is still not a good idea to let the ring-bearer hold the actual rings because to tie them on good enough so they don’t fall off means somebody (usually me) has to untie them during the service, which can be tricky, and my hands are already full with the text of the service.

If having the ring-bearer actually carry the rings is the genuine wish of the bride, then I suggest giving the rings to the ring-bearer at the very last second before sending him down the aisle. That leaves a lot less to chance. Mostly I would suggest giving him fake rings to carry and giving both the rings to the best man. My reasons follow.

These days, I suggest to couples that they let the best man carry both of the rings during the service instead of giving the groom’s ring to the maid of honor to carry. One of the main reasons for this is that the maid/matron of honor is already holding two sets of flowers by the time you are exchanging rings, so a good division of duties is helpful to everybody here.

Before each service I will usually prompt the best man on how to give me the rings during the service. First I tell him (or her – I’ve seen grooms with a best woman before) to relax and not to hurry. We aren’t running any races here, so they can take their time. Then I tell them to either keep the rings in their pocket and then drop them in my palm or to simply put them both in the same box and then present the open box to me so I can simply and easily pluck them out.

The best man SHOULD NOT hand me the box, or boxes. That is the worst thing to do to a minister. I am already holding my book and don’t have the extra hands to deal with the boxes. Of course, another option is to give the rings to me before the service so I’ll already have them, avoiding the need for a ring-bearer or ring hand-off altogether.

The best man is also a good person to put in charge of making sure the minister receives the paperwork (the license and final payment, if applicable) before the service. After the service you will be busy with family and photos, so you need to take care of your wedding business either at the rehearsal or before the service as many ministers don’t stay for the reception and will generally need to get back to their families and prepare for Sunday services.

The last thing I have to say about your wedding rings is that they should fit really tightly, especially the groom’s. You don’t want to feel like your ring is going to slip off as you work with your hands as many men do, so you want to size it about half a size small. It only follows, then, that it would be difficult for another person to put that ring on your finger. What I advise couples to do at the ring exchange is to gently push the ring onto the other's finger as far as it will go and then stop and wait for the words they will be repeating. If you can’t get the ring over that last knuckle then just let the other do it themselves. Nobody in the audience will be the wiser.

The important thing is to NOT get caught up in these props, which is what your rings are to your wedding ceremony. If you struggle with the ring it may hurt your mate or become a distraction to her, to the audience, and to me. What you want to do let your future partner finish sliding in on the rest of the way and to listen to the words that you will be repeating after me at that moment. Nothing causes a case of uncontrollable, nervous giggles like the struggling at the ring exchange, so prepare for it. Putting rings on each other is not something you do every day so you may even want to practice doing it at some point before the service.

As for the bride’s engagement ring, I usually suggest that you either leave it in your dressing room (or somewhere safe) during the service, put it on your other hand, or simply leave it on and swap it with your wedding ring right after the service so that your wedding ring is on the inside, closer to your heart..

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Elopements: Keeping it Real (Simple)

Now that all the informational stuff is done (see my earlier blog entries) I can turn my attention to more topical matters that apply to everybody, not just those who can choose their minister, location, service, vows, props, etc. I realize now that all of the earlier posts are what I cover in phone calls and meetings with brides and grooms, so when we meet, you can expect to hear those things from me if asked.

Today I want to talk a bit about elopements. In this economy, many people are choosing to elope and then have a second, bigger wedding at a later time when money is better. Sometimes I’m the elopement minister, sometimes I’m the big wedding minister – sometimes I’m both.

It’s funny that the majority of vow renewals I do – especially the fifty year ones, which are the most popular -- are couples that eloped the first time around. Things were different back then. It’s a wonderful, thoughtful gift when a family hires me to do a fifty-year anniversary vow renewal for their parents. And when the first wedding was an elopement, having a real wedding fifty years later, with the family closely gathered around, makes for a very special moment in your lives. I love my job.

Here’s the long and short of elopements. Mostly it’s short. Typically, an elopement service is at my home. This is the most cost effective way to do it. For a small fee you can simply choose between a religious service and a civil service. I have short ceremonies prepared for just the three of us. It saves you money if you choose this option. If you want to customize your service (see my earlier posts about creating your own service and vows) then I usually charge a little more.

My elopement services are meant either for the three of us (Georgia does not require witnesses) or for a very small group of attendees. For my elopement services at my home I ask that you limit the wedding party to six adults, total. That means you can each bring two people with you.

I do lots of elopement services at places other than my home, but the cost goes up when I have to travel. These are called destination elopements. I love to do destination elopements, especially at places like Tallulah Gorge and the Botanical gardens. Any scenic spot will work for an elopement service when you keep it REALLY small.

There are some very nice Bed & Breakfast locations in North Georgia that are very flexible with prospective couples for hosting weddings. Near Athens there is the Thompson House and Gardens – a wonderful spot out in Bogart.

Here in Watkinsville there is the Ashford Manor. Next to it is the Ashford Memorial Methodist Church, which has been renovated and is a lovely place to have a wedding if you want a church wedding but don’t have a church (or yours isn’t available).

I do many destination elopement services at people’s homes, side rooms at restaurants, public parks and buildings, scenic overlooks in the North Georgia Mountains, secret places, places where the couple met or had their first kiss – the sky is the limit when you keep it small and simple.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com