One for the Grooms

If there is one thing I’ve learned by being a wedding minister for the last sixteen years or so it’s this: there is no end to the variation in how people feel about things, including weddings. Many guys are completely prepared to spend a day in formal dress and be perfect gentlemen. Others area dragged out from under the car, out in the yard, or on top of the house and asked to comb their hair, put on a suit, and act like they’ve been there before.

For the guys who aren’t used to being dressed up and in formal situations – much less being one of two focal points of the whole day while in an uncomfortable monkey suit – there are just a few key things that you probably don’t know – and should.

If you don’t wear a suit on a regular basis, you probably don’t know that men are supposed to leave the bottom button of their vest and/or suit jacket unbuttoned (unless the lapel comes down past the top button). It may not matter to you, but others who are in the know will notice that when they look at the pictures. Lots of photographers will point this out, but not all of them are aware of this fashion tip.

Many theories have been put forth regarding why this trend evolved. Some of them involve men carrying pistols or the length of their waistcoats, but the predominant theory is a matter of royal fashion involving King Edward II,  a chunky person who left his bottom buttons undone so that sitting down was easier without risk of losing them. The other gentlemen saw this and copied him for whatever reason. The trend stuck and nowadays to really look GQ you gotta leave them unbuttoned.

Another tip for grooms is to get your hair cut at least two weeks before the wedding and do not get it cut any differently than you normally do. It’s better to look like yourself in your wedding pictures instead of some guy that got hauled in, kicking and screaming, to be sheared. Do NOT get your hair cut super-short just before your wedding. Better to just be yourself.

Most men do not carry handkerchiefs anymore. Since germs have become celebrities, tissues and hand sanitizer are everywhere and the idea of blowing your nose in a handkerchief and putting it back into your pocket passed away with the last generation. However, if there is one day when you NEED a handkerchief it is on your wedding day. The main reason is if your bride starts to cry during your service, it should be YOU who whips out a handkerchief for her – like her like knight in shining armor.

I learned this lesson the hard way. Since the second time I got stuck at the altar with a bawling bride and no handkerchief among the men in the wedding party, I am always careful to arm the groom with one before each service if he doesn’t already have one. This is just pure experience talking.

Some grooms get a little teary themselves. That’s OK. Handkerchiefs work both ways, so if you are a groom and you need to wipe away a tear, use the handkerchief. This will usually happen at the repeat-after-me part. If it happens to you, take a moment to use the handkerchief. This will give you a bit of time to collect yourself. Hint: think about baseball. That trick is handy in places other than the bedroom.

The last piece of advice I have for grooms is to act like they are enjoying their wedding day even if they are uncomfortable or would rather be watching football. Record the game and watch it later if it is that important to you. I can guarantee you this day is important to your future wife, so you should get used to the idea of being sweet to her and doing things for her even if it puts you out a little bit. You are entering a new phase of your life where it is no longer just about “me.” There is a “we” to consider now. You will be well served to get used to the idea of doing things together when it might not be your first choice of how to spend your day. A good place to start is putting on a happy face on your wedding day. Football can wait.

-Rev. Sam

So You're Engaged -- Now What?

Congratulations on your engagement. The biggest question is what do I do next?

The first step is to determine your budget, who will pay for your wedding, and how.  Once that minefield has been crossed and you know who much you have to work with, you should start formulating a plan and shopping for vendors as soon as you can.

HINT: There are only so many Saturdays in a year and Saturday is still the most sought after day when people plan their wedding. Fridays and Sundays have become more and more acceptable days for a wedding service with Sunday being second in line.

For a Sunday wedding you can still have a rehearsal but since rehearsals usually happen the day before the wedding – which in this case would be a Saturday and likely to be booked for a wedding – you would have to schedule the rehearsal earlier in the day, which isn’t so bad. It just gives you more time between the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. Sometimes Sunday weddings will have a Friday rehearsal but it is still often earlier in the day since Fridays afternoons are the rehearsal times for Saturday afternoon weddings.

Friday weddings are most likely to be less formal affairs since they are the least likely day a venue will be available because of rehearsals for Saturday and Sunday weddings. Most Friday weddings are not at traditional venues and often resemble elopements more than weddings. They don’t usually have rehearsals because people often have to travel to be in weddings and can’t afford to ask off for two days to make a Thursday rehearsal AND pay for a bridesmaid dress.

The important thing to remember is to BOOK EARLY! Many of my weddings will book a year or more in advance, especially the Valentines Day engagements that want to marry during spring or summer of the following year.

Here’s why. People look ahead on the calendar to see where the holidays fall. For example, many people don’t want to get married on Mother’s Day weekend or Father’s Day weekend or Easter weekend, etc. And they won’t want to get married at Halloween or Thanksgiving or in the uncomfortable colder months. That starts to narrow the field of good Saturdays that will be comfortable and convenient for everybody to attend.

And the quality vendors get booked first. Couples seeking that top-shelf wedding will snatch up the most talented photographers and the most beautiful flower arrangers just by looking at their work. Similarly, they will research and find the best coordinator and musician they can afford.

 As a practical matter, perhaps one of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not to have a wedding coordinator – and if so, who will it be? It depends on how large your wedding will be; and how busy you are with your life and/or career. A good idea is to ask other people about their wedding experience. There’s no shortage of married people around to ask.

If you decide you want to have a coordinator you may want to wait to look for the other vendors until you can look at the ones recommended by her. If she is experienced she will already know some of the better vendors around. That saves you a lot of legwork.

Some people will make the choice of vendors simply all about money. Others with more liberal budgets will base their decisions on intangibles like personality and bedside manner. My best advice is to see what other people have to say about any particular vendor and go with the one that is experienced but not jaded even if you have to bend your budge a little. The axiom that you get what you pay for is never truer than in the wedding industry. A team of top-shelf vendors can help make a wedding a joyful experience.

These people will be your co-workers for this entire project and unless you have a coordinator you will have to work with them to personally convey your wishes.

The ones with experience will bring up issues you never thought of before. If they are new to the game they will not know all the little ins and outs that you only learn by doing it again and again and seeing for yourself the many little things that can go wrong. After all, no two weddings are alike. If you can afford a coordinator, they can help streamline the whole affair by taking the pressure off of you to find the right vendors and ask the right questions.

Here’s the kicker: the most comfortable weddings – from the bride and groom’s perspective – are the weddings where they do as much of the work as they can before their wedding day so they can just cruise through it and relax as much as possible. When you know you’ve done their best you can in this project that is probably the first you will do together as a team, you will be off to a good start as a married couple.

Perhaps the greatest truism I have learned in over sixteen years of being a wedding minister is there is no end to the variations in the way people think about weddings, so be willing to express yourself. Your wedding will be a reflection of who you are as a couple so you should work together to make it happen.

-Rev. Sam

A Step Backwards: Proposals Good and Bad

First let me say there is no right or wrong way to propose to your girl. However, experience has taught me that there are some general Dos and Don’ts to consider when it’s time to pop the question.

I don’t want to stifle your creativity because the ladies like it when the proposal from their beloved has some thought behind it. They appreciate the effort. That continues throughout the relationship, by the way. So let’s start with the Don’ts first.

Probably the biggest one is, don’t propose in front of a large number of people or on live TV. I’ve never met a woman who thought that being asked to marry in front of a stadium or a studio audience was a good idea. Unless she actually SAYS that it would be fun, I wouldn’t do it. The ladies like to share the news of their engagement with their friends and family in little bits, savoring the moments as they unfold. Don’t ruin that for them.

Don’t hide the ring in food or drink. You won’t get any credit for originality and you might end up sitting in the emergency room or digging through garbage all night.

Obviously, don’t propose over the phone, in a text message or while you’re doing something trivial (unless you like hearing the word "no" when asking life-altering questions).

Don't propose to her in front of her family (or on front of yours).

Don’t propose while drunk, after a fight, or after sex (either individually or in any combination).

Don’t propose while you are sick (either of you).

Don’t ask somebody else to ask her FOR you and definitely don’t use a ring that you’ve given to somebody else before (unless you LIKE sleeping alone).

The best proposals are done with few people around and with no distractions. The proposal should be a surprise, even if you’ve already discussed it beforehand and agreed that it should happen. She might know it's coming but the timing should be unexpected.

I know it’s hard to be creative, but you don’t have to take the creativity to tremendous heights, just be slightly unique. Be yourself -- but your cooler and more sensitive self. Be prepared in case she doesn't answer you right away. Be patient and understanding. It's good practice for being a husband.

When I proposed to my wife, I did it in a restaurant. I put the ring in a music box and gift-wrapped it for her. I was about to go on a long trip so I made that an excuse to give her the gift – to remind her of me while I was gone. An engagement ring was the best reminder possible.

When she found the ring I dropped to one knee and quietly asked her to marry me right there in the restaurant. Only a couple of tables even saw me and I'm not sure that they knew what I was doing. I didn't care anyway.

We still visit that restaurant and will always remember that table with fondness. It was very intimate and romantic and just creative enough to not be cookie-cutter without going anywhere near over the top.

Often the choice of location is the most meaningful choice you can make, like where you met or the first place you kissed. In our case, it was a restaurant we frequented often during our courtship.

This may sound silly, but you should practice exactly what you’re going to say so that you don’t stumble over the words. She'll want to hear you say it in a clear, confident voice. It is also nice to tell her why you want her to marry you, so think about that before you walk into battle.  She will appreciate the extra effort to express yourself.

And of course, DO have a ring. It doesn't mean a thing unless you put a ring on it.

I know being in love makes you want to shout it from the rooftops, but if you’re thinking about writing it in the sky, stop and reflect for a moment about what you’re doing, and consider something more low-key. Your future wife will appreciate it. Trust me on this one.

Two for the road. Often at the end of a  posting I will point you in the direction of a vendor that I have worked with numerous times and can safely recommend. This post I have two for you.

The first is photographer Jason Thrasher. He is a top-notch photographer and a stand-up guy. He has a great bedside manner and does wonderful work on the back end to clean up the photos and make you look good!

Next I would guide you to Consultants Unlimited, one of the best wedding and event planning companies around. Those guys are great and really know what they are doing when it comes to planning a wedding. Give them a call to make your wedding top-shelf and above.

-Rev. Sam

Feeling the Pressure

This is the last entry of the year. I hope 2010 was a good year for everybody and that 2011 is even more excellent. Let’s get right to it.

In the sixteen years since my first wedding there is one thing that has remained consistent. No matter how cool the temperature at wedding time, the groom always has that sheen of sweat across the forehead. Couples feel the pressure as their marriage draws near no matter how many years of togetherness have passed before the wedding.

Most of this pressure is self-inflicted and the result of not seeing the whole picture of their wedding service. Brides and grooms – and their families – often get too caught up in the details of the service to the point that it can become tedious for everybody.

There are a number of things that everybody should remember about the wedding service that will help the bride and groom to remain calm on their wedding day.

First, let’s look at the source of the nervousness. I would say a very small percentage of the pressure couples feel is because of concern over whether this is the right thing to do with the right person. Again, I say very small because I believe that the vast majority of couples believe that the person they stand with before me is the right person and that marriage is the right choice.

A second source of pressure is from family members on either side who may not feel that the marriage is a good idea. Again, an extremely small number of weddings have even a hint of this feeling about them as most families are on their best behavior on the wedding day whether they are completely into it or not – for the kids.

So, ninety-five percent of the nervousness that couples feel on their wedding day is the result of their wedding happening in front of a live audience. Brides, grooms, and families can start to feel like the wedding service is a show or a concert where brides and grooms will be expected to perform before critics and the media.

Here is a list of things brides and grooms should remember to help them through this.

First of all, a wedding is not some public event with the photographer from the newspaper standing ready with the camera in case the bride trips or the groom drops the ring. The people in attendance are your friends and family and the photographer is the one you hired to make you look good. No matter what happens in front of these people it will be fine. They love you and will be happy no matter what happens during your service. Plus, if anything funny does happen, it will just be a good story to tell for the rest of your life.

Next, most couples don’t realize that the wedding service, although it may be attended by hundreds, is really something that takes place between the three of us up at the front. Your backs are turned to the audience during half the service and you turn to face each other the other half. You only have to turn and face the crowd as you exit, so the actual service is something that feels very intimate just between us.

Third, long before you arrive at the altar in front of me we will have worked out the text of your service. I will have it before me and I will direct you through it with the greatest of ease. I will have two voices – big voice and small voice. With big voice I will speak to everybody in the room. In small voice I will direct you every step of the way, telling you when to turn and face each other, when to answer a long question with “I do,” when to repeat after me, when to hand your flowers to the maid of honor and when to get them back and face everybody for the pronouncement.

The last thing you should remember about your wedding service is that you really don’t have to remember anything for your wedding service. Unless you choose to memorize your vows, which I highly discourage, you should just clear your mind and take mental pictures as I guide you through your service, telling you what to do and what to say every step of the way.

The only thing I ever instruct anyone to remember for their wedding service is for the bride to remember to lift the front of her dress if she has to walk up stairs to the altar so she doesn’t trip on the hem of her dress. Otherwise, going in with a clear and worry-free mind is the best way to approach a wedding service.

Beautiful Music. Often at the end of each blog entry I like to mention wedding venues and vendors in the North Georgia area that cross my path. Recently I had the good fortune to work with a most excellent pianist named Kristin Horne. Please keep her in mind as you plan your wedding. Kristin also plays at receptions and offers lessons for children and adults at her studio located at 2167 Atlanta Hwy SE in Statham, GA, or you can call her at 678-334-5264. She is very smooth, very professional, and will attend your rehearsal for a small, extra fee, which is over and beyond the call of duty for most wedding musicians.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

License to Wed

The first step in making your marriage legal is for you and your future partner to go to your local probate court to apply for a marriage license. If either of you are a resident of the state of Georgia, you can go to any probate court to get a license that is good to marry anywhere in the state of Georgia. It makes sense to go to your local probate court, even if you are getting married in a different county as it is easier to go local.

If neither of you are residents of the state of Georgia then you must make application to marry in the SAME COUNTY where the service is to be held. Also, if either of you have been married before, be sure to ask if you need to bring a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree with you as you make application to marry. My understanding is that if you are residents of Georgia you do not need this document, but I would ask anyway just to be sure.

There are no required blood tests anymore, so you needle-phobes can just relax. You do need to take your drivers’ licenses (or a certified copy of your birth certificate or a passport if you don’t drive) with you. At the probate court they will have you fill out and sign some papers and pay them some money. Then they will give you a document which you will give to me before the service. I am required by law to fill that document out and send it back in to the probate court promptly after the service. That document does NOT require witnesses. Hopefully they will give you a return envelope for me to use but not always.

Since that document does not require witnesses, sometimes couples will cook up an unofficial document that does have a place for the couple, witnesses, and me to sign and is used as a photo-op after the ceremony, but that is somewhat unusual as you generally already have enough wedding details to see to already.

Once I fill that document out (I simply fill in the date you were married, the city and county, my signature, title and address) and send it in, it typically takes about two or three weeks for the probate court to generate your original marriage certificate(s). I do suggest that you ask them about getting some extra, certified copies for your filing cabinet as you will be asked for certified copies of your marriage certificate at various times during your married life (for example, insurance companies love to ask for a certified copy to prove that you are married).

Now, as for GETTING your certified copies, different probate courts behave differently in this regard. Some will automatically mail them to you. Other probate courts ask you to come back in to pick them up. This is something you should ask them about on your first trip to the probate court. That way, you will know exactly what you will need to do – or not do – to get your marriage certificate(s). If they require you to pick them up, that is sometimes helpful because your next step would be to take a certified copy to the Social Security office to apply for the bride’s name change.

In some cases, couples are in a hurry to receive their certified copies of their marriage certificate. In this case, you need to ask the probate court if you can hand deliver that document that I fill out so that they can generate your certified copies right away. Some probate courts will do this and others won’t. Again, it is important that you ask as you make your application if you need this extra level of service.

If you are going on a cruise for your honeymoon, be sure to tell your wedding minister as you will need to take with you a copy of that document that I send in after the service. I’m not exactly sure why you need this, but my experience has taught me that this is the case. That document has no official purpose other than for the probate court to use to generate your marriage certificate but for some reason the cruise lines require it before boarding.

In the sixteen years or so since I became a wedding minister, there have been a few occasions where the document that I fill out and send in gets lost somewhere between my mailbox and the probate court. If this happens do not panic. The probate court can re-issue the document that you gave to me before the service to do again.. You can mail it to me and I can fill it out and mail it back in to the probate court and presto, problem solved – all by mail.

In this downward economy, I have noticed that probate courts are somewhat slower than usual in generating marriage licenses, so be patient with them. I’m guessing this has to do with reduced staff at probate courts in order to save money. I have also seen an upturn in misplaced documents in the last few years as they pass through the USPS. Again, I’m guessing this has a lot to do with reduced staff and corner cutting on the part of the post office but I can’t be sure.

Again, fixing the problem of lost documents is easily fixed with a call or quick visit to your probate court. If you arrange for your certified marriage certificate(s) to be mailed to you and you DON’T receive them within a month, the first thing you want to do is contact the probate court to see if there was a misunderstanding about how you retrieve them. They will help you go from there.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Holiday Weddings

Within the last year a new trend seems to be emerging that may be related to the economy – or not. People are now more often getting married on holidays, particularly New Years Eve, New Years Day, and July Fourth.

There are many advantages to getting married on these holidays. For one thing, you’ll always be off of work on your anniversary. For another, there will always be a party on your anniversary – many times with fireworks!

People are generally off work on holidays, so it's easier for your families and friends to attend your wedding when you marry on a holiday. It also means that you are off work for your anniversary every year.

There are some down sides to a holiday wedding however, especially if you want to have a full wedding with all the trimmings. First of all, it might be hard to find vendors willing to work on holidays – and if they do they may charge extra. Your search to find a minister, photographer, caterer, musician or Dee-Jay may be harder, so be prepared to be turned down a lot.

Next, it might be hard to secure the venue that you want because the people that manage and maintain those properties will want to be off on holidays.

Lastly, some people that you will want to attend your wedding may not because of other travel plans and family obligations. For example, if you get married on New Years Eve, your brother might not be there because he and his wife go to see her family up in Jersey this time every year – things like that. Some families divide up the holidays and simply will not be available to come to your wedding.

So while getting married on a holiday seems like a great idea, in practice it works best for the smaller, home-bound weddings or destination elopement services. It also works if your extended families are small and live close together. You can find success if the venue you choose is open all year, like a park or similar public place – or your home for that matter.

The holiday wedding works best for those that cater their own wedding and who don’t need a professional photographer – having a friend take pictures instead. The fewer vendors you have to get involved the easier your holiday wedding will be to plan and execute. Like an elopement, the best holiday wedding is the simpler one.

And now a word from our sponsors. As time goes by I like to mention certain vendors that stand out in their field. One such vendor is photographer Wingate Downs. I’ve know Wingate for most of the sixteen years I have been a wedding minister and I can safely say he is a top-shelf photographer of the highest order. If you want the highest quality photos and an engaging, pleasant photographer to shoot your wedding, go for experience and give Wingate a call or visit his website.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Something Old Something New

I rarely get asked about wedding caterers or photographers or DJ’s, but I often get asked to suggest a location for the wedding.  That’s my something old for this post.

There are many events facilities around North Georgia that are tucked away and unknown, often quaint and unique, sometimes themed and sometimes just a good, open space that is shaded and peaceful.

I found a new events facility that is smack dab in the middle of Northeast Georgia called Boutier Winery (pronounced BOO-SHAY`). Boutier Winery is a winery first, producing award winning wines and bottled with either their label or YOUR picture on the label for your wedding.  They will even make cases of small bottles with the happy couple’s picture on it as gifts to the attendees.

Having established themselves as wine producers, they have now expanded their facilities to include a space for weddings and special events. Located outside of Danielsville, GA, Boutier is only thirty minutes from Athens and 80 minutes from Atlanta, nestled into the countryside with the quiet of nature around you.

Their outdoor wedding area is well manicured and the barrel water fountain is a nice touch. Inside is plenty of room for up to 150 guests and a bar area where the owners are on hand to answer questions about the wines they produce, which everyone seemed to enjoy immensely.

According to owners Victor Boutier and Mary Jakupi-Boutier, Boutier Winery will soon break ground on a bed and breakfast right there on the property that will have enough bedrooms to put the wedding party and both sides of the family up for the entire weekend, making Boutier Winery a top shelf, one-stop wedding destination.  I especially enjoyed the nice drive in the countryside to get there. Highway 106, as it makes its way north of Athens, seems to have a quaint, country church around every curve. I love it.

And now, something completely different.  I have discovered a new trend that I think is not only very pleasant, but is a very thoughtful gesture on the part of the couple: providing a boxed, courtesy meal to the vendors, like the minister, the musician or DJ, the photographer, the bartenders, and the flower arranger.

In the last few years I have noticed that couples are taking the comfort of their wedding party members more into consideration, providing good food and drink for bridesmaids and groomsmen in their dressing rooms. Often people forget to eat and drink on a busy day like a wedding day can be, so just having some finger food within reach is a great thing to remember to do for your wedding party.

Extending this courtesy to the vendors I think is the most considerate thing I’ve seen in a long time. There are only so many Saturdays in a year, so often we have to leave one wedding and go straight to another with hardly the time or inclination to stop and eat. Having food offered to you on such a day can make all the difference in the world and is a courtesy that is certainly appreciated, especially considering that the caterers are laying out all this great smelling, wonderful food that we must work around but not touch.

 This trend is so new that I suggest you strongly urge the vendors to take advantage of this courtesy, letting them know in advance and reminding them often that a boxed lunch or dinner will be waiting for them, or have the caterers deliver the food directly to the vendors as some will be too shy to go ask for it themselves – until (or if) this trend does take hold.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com