Wedding Officiant FAQ's

I have finally gotten around to putting together a list of frequently asked questions. I hope this answers any questions you might have. Please contact me directly if you need more information. Thanks!

What kinds of weddings ceremonies do you perform? I perform religious and civil ceremonies, interfaith, intercultural, and interracial ceremonies, and anything in between. I have many ceremonies in my armory and can send them to you in word documents. You can mix and match parts, change wording, or introduce original content at will. I want you to be perfectly happy with your wedding ceremony. Typically you would send your rough draft to me for review once you’ve pulled it together. If I have any suggestions or comments on length or flow I will let you know. If not, then we’re all set. Of course, I am available by phone and email to help if you need me at any time.

Can we write our own vows? Yes, although I suggest you read over lots of other vows before doing so. That way, you can get the feel of how vows are structured, which is in a sing-song way, with short bits that can easily be repeated as opposed to long, prose-like sentences without natural breaks for repeating. I will often make suggestions for changes to your vows to make them more repeatable but I think it is wonderful that couples want to write their own vows and I encourage it wholeheartedly.

Can we read our vows to each other instead of repeating them after you? Yes, some brides and grooms choose this option. Keep in mind that the audience probably won’t be able to hear your vows as clearly as they would in the traditional “repeat-after-me” scenario, but that is your choice. I do NOT suggest you try to memorize your vows. Sometimes couples do not want to repeat after me at all and want to say as little as possible during their ceremony. For these situations we usually skip the repeat-after-me part and put all the important sentiments into the question that you answer, “I do.” I have also performed weddings where the couple will exchange their vows which they have written on little scrolls, which they simply exchange while I tell the audience that they are now exchanging vows that they will share with each other later in private.

How do you determine how much to charge for a wedding? I base my prices on how far the wedding venue is from my home, whether or not you need me for a rehearsal, and whether it is an actual wedding or an elopement (see below) I know I’m not the cheapest officiant available but that is not my goal. My goal is to be the BEST wedding officiant you can choose. Please see what other couples have to say about my services by visiting my Google Maps page.

What is an elopement? An elopement is a small wedding with very few guests (fewer than 20). Instead of entrances or exits, I simply place the couple in front of me. There are no bridesmaids or groomsmen walking in and out (although it is good to have one of each in place beside the couple to hold the rings and the flowers), no ring bearers or flower girls and no musician or DJ to coordinate with. In this scenario I can arrive later and there is less work involved for me, so I can charge a bit less. I do perform elopements at my home for a very reasonable price but you must limit your wedding party to a total of six adults as my living room is only so big.

Is my deposit refundable? No. Once I book a wedding I generally start turning down other brides and grooms and sometimes can put quite a bit of work into a wedding whether it ultimately happens or not. I keep my deposit amount low so that you don’t lose too much money if you have to cancel but the deposit is non-refundable.

Why do you ask for the final payment before the service? I ask that you give me the final payment and the license before the service because you will be busy with photographs and family after the service.

Do you require a meeting in person before the ceremony or to book you for our wedding? No, I do not require a meeting. For out of town weddings I often work with the couple by phone and email only as we put together a service. If you want to meet me I am happy to make time for you if you are willing to come to the Athens, GA, area. I usually meet my victims at the Starbucks located at 1761 Epps Bridge Pkwy, Athens, GA, 30606, but any coffee shop or restaurant in the Athens/Watkinsville area is fine with me.

Do you have any restrictions on who you will marry? No. I will marry any bride and groom who seem willing to be married. The only time I would refuse to perform a wedding is if I thought one of the participants was being coerced and not completely willing to marry the other.

Will you perform a wedding if a couple lives together already? Yes. I am very happy to marry you even if you have lived together for years and maybe even have children together already. I am always happy to help create a more solid family unit.

Will you perform a wedding if there is going to be alcohol at the reception? Yes. What happens at the reception is no business of mine.

Do you stay for the reception? Generally I do NOT stay for the reception for a number of reasons: I have other weddings to perform; I want to spend what is left of my weekend time with my family; I am on a restricted diet and cannot eat the rich food that is often served; and sometimes people feel like they can’t cut loose and have fun if the minister is there. Honestly, if I stayed for every reception for every wedding I perform I would be as big as a house and an alcoholic so I generally don’t stay.

What do you wear to perform a wedding? I wear a dark, gray suit with a white dress shirt and black tie. If you would like for me to dress down, please give me an example of what you would like for me to wear and I will do my best (for example, dress shirt and pants with a tie, or jeans and a tee-shirt).

How and where do we get the license? You can get your license by going together to your local probate court with your drivers licenses and birth certificates OR your passports. If either of you have been married before you may have to have a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree. I suggest calling the probate court before making the trip or looking them up online. Most have a website with information regarding obtaining a marriage license. If NEITHER of you are residents of the state of Georgia then you MUST get your license in the county in which the wedding is performed. If either of you ARE residents of Georgia then you can go to any probate court and get married anywhere in the state with the license you receive.

After the wedding, how long does it take to get our marriage certificate? I fill out your license and send it back to the probate court as soon as I can after your wedding. It typically takes two to three weeks for the probate court to generate your marriage certificate. As you make application for your license you should ask about getting multiple certified copies (at least three) and you should ask whether they will be mailed to you or if you have to go and pick them up at the end of the process.

If we don’t have a coordinator, can you lead the rehearsal? Yes, I am happy to lead the rehearsal if you do not have a coordinator. I do ask for a phone conversation in the days leading up to the rehearsal so I can be more prepared for your rehearsal. I do not charge extra to lead a rehearsal.

How long does a rehearsal take? The typical rehearsal takes anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour depending on how many bridesmaids and groomsmen, ring bearers, and flower girls you have in your wedding.

Is it an accepted practice to tip the officiant? If you are especially pleased with my services then I gladly accept tips. Tips are not expected but are certainly welcomed and most definitely appreciated. I try to keep my prices as low as possible in order to serve as many couples as possible. I don’t have a church that provides a full time income beyond my weddings. Due to rising prices, the seasonal nature of the wedding industry and the fact that there is a limited number of Saturdays in a year, my income potential as a wedding minister is limited. I don’t perform weddings because it is lucrative; I do it because I love it.

-Rev. Sam
www.revsam.com

The Wedding Kiss (Good and Bad News Bears)

A wedding is generally a marathon of planning. However, there is usually no planning for the most important single moment of any wedding: the wedding kiss. Like any other aspect of a wedding, the wedding kiss deserves thought and consideration for yourselves, your partner, the attendees, and the photographer.

There is not much information on the internet about the perfect wedding kiss. Here is one of the few things I came across that you might find just a bit helpful. Also, you might search for a photo of the royal wedding kiss between Prince William and Princes Katherine. Otherwise, I will rely on my extensive experience to help guide you through this important part of your wedding ceremony.

It’s a lot to ask of nervous brides and grooms to have some kind of presence of mind at the culmination of the wedding ceremony, which is the most romantic and important moment of the entire day – and perhaps your entire lives. Couples should actually practice the wedding kiss because there is a lot that can go wrong and many elements to consider.

There are basically three types of wedding kisses. For ease of understanding, you can break it down into the story of the three bears. There’s the baby bear kiss, the father bear kiss, and the mamma bear kiss.

The baby bear kiss is the quick, uncomfortable peck that only lasts a second. In more informal settings you may be urged to do it again because this type of kiss doesn’t allow for pictures. The baby bear kiss usually happens because of awkward shyness but gives the appearance of reluctance and doubt. The baby bear kiss is over much too quickly and without enough emotion to satisfy anybody.

By contrast, the father bear kiss makes everybody uncomfortable. The father bear kiss lasts much too long and makes everybody think to themselves, “Get a room!” Elements of a father bear kiss may involve obvious French kissing, the “head grab” or dipping, which can lead to falling, cuts, bruises, concussions, and a long wedding night spent in the emergency room instead of the honeymoon suite.

The ideal wedding kiss would be the mother bear kiss. Here are the elements of a perfect wedding kiss. First, it should last about four or five seconds, which is long enough for the photographer to get some good pictures and long enough for people to know that you mean it.

Next, it should be a kiss that does not make your families uncomfortable, which means NOT exploring each others' dental work in front of God and everybody. Your lips should press together gently but purposefully with your heads tilted only slightly to allow for your noses. Tilting your heads too much means the only thing you’ll see in your pictures is the top of somebody’s head, depending on who leans which way.

You should NOT touch your partner’s face or grab their head because then your hands get in the way and ruin the pictures. The “head grab” comes off as too aggressive, even if both partners do it. Instead, the bride should place her hands demurely on her husband’s strong shoulders and the groom should gently clasp his bride’s waist in a classic embrace without dipping. Honestly, I have never seen a wedding kiss dip that worked.

As an aside, my father-in-law, Bob, married his wife, Barbara, in 1949 and was warned at the rehearsal by HIS future father-in-law, Harvey, not to prolong their wedding kiss. Being a bit of a smart Alec, Bob said that he would kiss her long enough to silently sing to himself, “My Dog Has Fleas,” which is the song that Arthur Godfrey would sing to himself while tuning his ukulele. He was admonished by the preacher, who could see that things were getting out of hand and warned that the wedding should be a solemn occasion. At the actual wedding, just before the kiss, Bob sang quietly into his bride’s ear, “My dog has fleas,” which tickled them both as well as the minister, who had a smile on his face. I guess it helps to have a sense of humor. Bob and Barbara remained married until her death in 2004 while Harvey passed away within a year.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

The Father of the Bride

There are only two things about weddings that I don’t like. The first is dress socks. I think they’re creepy but I wear them anyway. I guess my wife doesn’t have to worry about coming home early to find me wearing her panty hose. Yuck!

The second is the thought of giving my little girl away on her wedding day. She once asked me, “Daddy, are you going to perform my wedding when I get married?”

I replied, “No way! I’ll have a completely different job to do on your wedding day. I’ll be playing the part of ‘Daddy’ on that day.”

I often say that there is no end to the variation in the ways that people think about weddings. The same is certainly true in regards to the reactions of fathers walking their daughters down the aisle.

Many are stoic and reserved, seeming to just go through the motions as if shell-shocked by the whole experience. Some are nervous and flub their lines and trip over the dress as they go to their seat.

Other dads seem rather relieved, as if to say, “She’s YOUR problem now, buddy.”

The fact of the matter is dads have a tough job to do and they are the unsung heroes of the wedding day. Most of the focus is on the bride, obviously. Next in line is the mother of the bride. The groom comes in at a distant third.

Dads are almost completely overlooked as they give away their most precious gift in life. I’ve seen many a tear-filled eye as I look at them and ask, “Who presents this woman to be married to this man.?”

What I have found in my experience as a wedding officiate – some seventeen years now – is the bigger the father and the more he jokes around at the rehearsal, the more likely he is to be crying as he answers my question, “Her mother and I.”

It took me a few years of performing weddings to get over that lump in my throat as the bride first appears in the back. Now the only time that lump forms is when I think about being that guy who has to answer that tough question and give up the thing I love almost more than anything else in the world: my precious little girl.

At least I have a few more years to prepare for that moment.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Something New Under the Sun

As we move into the summer months I realize that most brides and grooms do not realize the ramifications of choosing a wedding location that is in the direct sun during the heat of summer. When planning a summer wedding in January, that spot on the lawn right out in the open seems wonderful. However, when the temperatures are hitting 100 degrees in June, it won’t be so wonderful anymore.

So, I am instituting a new policy that will hopefully force brides and grooms to consider the uncomfortable situation they are setting themselves up for.

Henceforth, for all daytime, outdoor weddings between May and September shade MUST be provided for me. If a couple chooses to stand out in the direct heat for their wedding that is OK, but shade must be provided for me even if it is nothing more than an umbrella.

I know this sounds tough, but again and again it happens to brides and grooms: they fail to consider the heat and then just MELT on their wedding day, putting a damper on the good feelings that weddings generate.

Outdoor weddings are great. I love them. Brides love them because they feel closer to God. They like to get married in the “big room” as I like to say. But as most folks don’t get married many times in a lifetime they forget the stress of a wedding ceremony – no matter how simple the service is – and how standing in the direct heat of the sun compounds it. I have seen brides and grooms stand in front of me with steady streams of sweat pouring off their noses because they failed to take the Southern heat into consideration when they picked out their day, place, and time for their wedding.

So please, for the love of all that’s holy, when picking your spot to get married, please make sure it is a shady spot – for you, for me, and for the people attending your service. And as great as the outdoors is, air conditioning is the best wedding present you will ever get on your wedding day during the summer months. Trust me on this.

-Rev. Sam

The Many Facets of a Vow Renewal Ceremony

No matter what light shines on a vow renewal service it is a beautiful thing. While the love at a wedding is certainly beautiful and pure, the love celebrated in a vow renewal is deep and encompassing like the roots of a great oak or the depths of an ancient spring.

Perhaps one of the most touching moments of my ministerial career – of which there are many – was a vow renewal service I did for a couple who had eloped fifty years earlier. I was touched in the very beginning after having been approached by a daughter of the “bride.”  I was moved at what a sweet gesture the children of this woman were willing to make for her as her first wedding was an elopement service, done by a Justice of the Peace in South Carolina.

The story goes that he had to run down to the corner gas station that he owned to get his seal so he could notarize their wedding certificate. This woman had dreamed of having a real wedding one day and it finally came true on her 50^th wedding anniversary.

She was so surprised when a minister appeared at their special meal in a side room at a local restaurant. I stepped up and they stood before me and with tears in her eyes, she said “I do” in front of her families, children, and grandchildren. I was very moved at what a loving and giving family it was standing around me.

A vow renewal service is also a way for couples to reconnect after going through a bad patch in their marriage or to get closer together after years of being pulled apart by work and family. In these economic times the true values of love and togetherness are replacing the values of earning and spending and a vow renewal is a great way to re-establish the footing of your relationship for not a lot of money.

The logistics of a vow renewal are very easy as it can simply happen at a party wherever it is held – at home, in a restaurant, at an events facility or a bed-and-breakfast, in the fellowship hall or sanctuary of your church or at the botanical gardens. There are none of the trappings of a real wedding except for maybe some flowers for the bride. You don’t need bridesmaids or groomsmen, ring bearers or flower girls; just a minister, a couple, a family, and lots of love to last for years to come.

If you need help planning your vow renewal service you might consider calling Jessie Patton from Wild Flower Events Services. She has tons of experience and can help you no matter how big or small your event will be. Visit her website and contact her to plan your wedding or vow renewal service. As I always say, choose experience. Your wedding day is worth it.

-Rev. Sam

PS. If you don't need me for your minister and you like folk/popular music played on an acoustic guitar, I can do that. I don't do classical but rather romantic popular songs from Bing Crosby to modern times. Here is a song I wrote while marrying a couple back in the late 90's. They were a sweet couple and very inspiring: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajLLPstg0n8.

One for the Grooms

If there is one thing I’ve learned by being a wedding minister for the last sixteen years or so it’s this: there is no end to the variation in how people feel about things, including weddings. Many guys are completely prepared to spend a day in formal dress and be perfect gentlemen. Others area dragged out from under the car, out in the yard, or on top of the house and asked to comb their hair, put on a suit, and act like they’ve been there before.

For the guys who aren’t used to being dressed up and in formal situations – much less being one of two focal points of the whole day while in an uncomfortable monkey suit – there are just a few key things that you probably don’t know – and should.

If you don’t wear a suit on a regular basis, you probably don’t know that men are supposed to leave the bottom button of their vest and/or suit jacket unbuttoned (unless the lapel comes down past the top button). It may not matter to you, but others who are in the know will notice that when they look at the pictures. Lots of photographers will point this out, but not all of them are aware of this fashion tip.

Many theories have been put forth regarding why this trend evolved. Some of them involve men carrying pistols or the length of their waistcoats, but the predominant theory is a matter of royal fashion involving King Edward II,  a chunky person who left his bottom buttons undone so that sitting down was easier without risk of losing them. The other gentlemen saw this and copied him for whatever reason. The trend stuck and nowadays to really look GQ you gotta leave them unbuttoned.

Another tip for grooms is to get your hair cut at least two weeks before the wedding and do not get it cut any differently than you normally do. It’s better to look like yourself in your wedding pictures instead of some guy that got hauled in, kicking and screaming, to be sheared. Do NOT get your hair cut super-short just before your wedding. Better to just be yourself.

Most men do not carry handkerchiefs anymore. Since germs have become celebrities, tissues and hand sanitizer are everywhere and the idea of blowing your nose in a handkerchief and putting it back into your pocket passed away with the last generation. However, if there is one day when you NEED a handkerchief it is on your wedding day. The main reason is if your bride starts to cry during your service, it should be YOU who whips out a handkerchief for her – like her like knight in shining armor.

I learned this lesson the hard way. Since the second time I got stuck at the altar with a bawling bride and no handkerchief among the men in the wedding party, I am always careful to arm the groom with one before each service if he doesn’t already have one. This is just pure experience talking.

Some grooms get a little teary themselves. That’s OK. Handkerchiefs work both ways, so if you are a groom and you need to wipe away a tear, use the handkerchief. This will usually happen at the repeat-after-me part. If it happens to you, take a moment to use the handkerchief. This will give you a bit of time to collect yourself. Hint: think about baseball. That trick is handy in places other than the bedroom.

The last piece of advice I have for grooms is to act like they are enjoying their wedding day even if they are uncomfortable or would rather be watching football. Record the game and watch it later if it is that important to you. I can guarantee you this day is important to your future wife, so you should get used to the idea of being sweet to her and doing things for her even if it puts you out a little bit. You are entering a new phase of your life where it is no longer just about “me.” There is a “we” to consider now. You will be well served to get used to the idea of doing things together when it might not be your first choice of how to spend your day. A good place to start is putting on a happy face on your wedding day. Football can wait.

-Rev. Sam

So You're Engaged -- Now What?

Congratulations on your engagement. The biggest question is what do I do next?

The first step is to determine your budget, who will pay for your wedding, and how.  Once that minefield has been crossed and you know who much you have to work with, you should start formulating a plan and shopping for vendors as soon as you can.

HINT: There are only so many Saturdays in a year and Saturday is still the most sought after day when people plan their wedding. Fridays and Sundays have become more and more acceptable days for a wedding service with Sunday being second in line.

For a Sunday wedding you can still have a rehearsal but since rehearsals usually happen the day before the wedding – which in this case would be a Saturday and likely to be booked for a wedding – you would have to schedule the rehearsal earlier in the day, which isn’t so bad. It just gives you more time between the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. Sometimes Sunday weddings will have a Friday rehearsal but it is still often earlier in the day since Fridays afternoons are the rehearsal times for Saturday afternoon weddings.

Friday weddings are most likely to be less formal affairs since they are the least likely day a venue will be available because of rehearsals for Saturday and Sunday weddings. Most Friday weddings are not at traditional venues and often resemble elopements more than weddings. They don’t usually have rehearsals because people often have to travel to be in weddings and can’t afford to ask off for two days to make a Thursday rehearsal AND pay for a bridesmaid dress.

The important thing to remember is to BOOK EARLY! Many of my weddings will book a year or more in advance, especially the Valentines Day engagements that want to marry during spring or summer of the following year.

Here’s why. People look ahead on the calendar to see where the holidays fall. For example, many people don’t want to get married on Mother’s Day weekend or Father’s Day weekend or Easter weekend, etc. And they won’t want to get married at Halloween or Thanksgiving or in the uncomfortable colder months. That starts to narrow the field of good Saturdays that will be comfortable and convenient for everybody to attend.

And the quality vendors get booked first. Couples seeking that top-shelf wedding will snatch up the most talented photographers and the most beautiful flower arrangers just by looking at their work. Similarly, they will research and find the best coordinator and musician they can afford.

 As a practical matter, perhaps one of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not to have a wedding coordinator – and if so, who will it be? It depends on how large your wedding will be; and how busy you are with your life and/or career. A good idea is to ask other people about their wedding experience. There’s no shortage of married people around to ask.

If you decide you want to have a coordinator you may want to wait to look for the other vendors until you can look at the ones recommended by her. If she is experienced she will already know some of the better vendors around. That saves you a lot of legwork.

Some people will make the choice of vendors simply all about money. Others with more liberal budgets will base their decisions on intangibles like personality and bedside manner. My best advice is to see what other people have to say about any particular vendor and go with the one that is experienced but not jaded even if you have to bend your budge a little. The axiom that you get what you pay for is never truer than in the wedding industry. A team of top-shelf vendors can help make a wedding a joyful experience.

These people will be your co-workers for this entire project and unless you have a coordinator you will have to work with them to personally convey your wishes.

The ones with experience will bring up issues you never thought of before. If they are new to the game they will not know all the little ins and outs that you only learn by doing it again and again and seeing for yourself the many little things that can go wrong. After all, no two weddings are alike. If you can afford a coordinator, they can help streamline the whole affair by taking the pressure off of you to find the right vendors and ask the right questions.

Here’s the kicker: the most comfortable weddings – from the bride and groom’s perspective – are the weddings where they do as much of the work as they can before their wedding day so they can just cruise through it and relax as much as possible. When you know you’ve done their best you can in this project that is probably the first you will do together as a team, you will be off to a good start as a married couple.

Perhaps the greatest truism I have learned in over sixteen years of being a wedding minister is there is no end to the variations in the way people think about weddings, so be willing to express yourself. Your wedding will be a reflection of who you are as a couple so you should work together to make it happen.

-Rev. Sam