The Top Five Wedding Mistakes

This year, as I pass the twenty-five year, one thousand wedding mark in my career as a wedding minister, I realize that this is a good time to share my experience by listing the top five wedding mistakes I have seen happen over and over again through the years, especially at weddings where there is no professional wedding coordinator on the job.

But regardless of whether you have professional help or if you are a do-it-yourself kind of bride, these are the top five pitfalls you want to avoid.

The biggest and worst mistake one can make when planning a wedding is picking a spot in the direct sun. If you must get married outside pick a spot in the FULL shade. And I mean EVERYBODY in the full shade, including the attendees.

Here’s why. Georgia is a very warm state during the spring and summer months. For my part, even an outside wedding that DOES have some shade is just simply a bad idea from May until October because of the heat, humidity, bugs, and possibly the stress from the threat of rain. The heat can be especially brutal for the elderly members of your families.

But a wedding out in the direct sunlight is the ultimate misery.

So let’s say the weather is good and the temperature and humidity are all fine, why not outside and in the direct sun? Because of the glare. Invariably, somebody at an outside wedding is going to have the sun in their eyes. And even if the sun is directly overhead, it is still hard to be out there without squinting and with eyes watering. And for my part, following your ceremony on a white, printed page, is like having lasers pointed at your eyes.

           

Hoping your wedding day will be cool with no humidity in this part of the world is an extreme gamble any time of year. Again, if you MUST get married outside, which I strongly suggest you DON’T do, make sure your location is in the full shade for everybody involved and be sure to provide hand-held fans.

And in addition, and very importantly, direct sun is the worst for your photographs. Just ask your photographer (who, along with everyone else, is also salivating at that nice, air-conditioned space just a few steps away).

The second worst mistake is tying the wedding rings to a pillow and giving them to a small child (under 8 years old). Even the notion of doing this is actually a myth. You don’t know what this child is going to do when it comes time to walk down the aisle so you can’t depend on the rings being there when you need them. If you have a child eight or under as your ring bearer, use fake rings on the pillow and give the real rings to the best man.

So, what if your ring bearer if over eight years old, should you still tie rings to a pillow and have him walk down with them? I would say no. If I pull that string and the tiny ribbon knots up, then my only option is to cut the rings off the pillow or rip them off with neither option very desirable.

The third worst mistake is talking to each other during the ceremony. This may seem obvious, but you would be surprised to know how many couples feel that it is OK to start having a conversation with one another in a normal voice during the ceremony. This usually happens at a big, outdoor wedding where I am wearing a microphone and my voice is coming out over big loudspeakers in the back.

This is a not a good look. Ideally you are listening to the words that are uniting you in marriage and taking them to heart. What really makes this seem inappropriate is when I am talking TO the couple while they talk TO each other. On top of that, I’m right there. I can hear you. My inclination is to stop and see what you are saying because I feel it’s rude to talk when somebody else is talking. However, I can’t stop and must power through, ignoring you to the best of my ability while I try to use my skills as a good public speaker to keep folks engaged.

Also, the people attending will stop listening to what I’m saying to concentrate on you and what you may be saying to each other, maybe trying to read your lips, which is also disruptive to the ceremony. You will have the rest of your lives to talk to each other. So if you must say anything to each other during the ceremony, either mouth it or whisper it during a break in the action.

The fourth worst mistake is including dogs in the ceremony. Almost every couple I marry these days already lives together, often owning a dog together. And the inclination to include the dog in the ceremony may be as strong as wanting to include a child. Even if your dog is an old dog and completely chill, it’s probably not a good idea. They are animals and very unpredictable.

The focus of the day should be completely on the bride and we don’t want animals to compete with that, especially should they need to answer the call of nature during the ceremony. However, in my experience, the success rate of having animals in your ceremony is about 30 per cent so it may be worth the gamble because he is a sweet boy! Yes he is!

The fifth worst mistake is not having a rehearsal led by someone with real wedding experience. If you are having a full wedding with bridesmaids, groomsmen, maybe a ring bearer or flower girl, and the escorting of mothers and grandmothers in and out as part of the ceremony, then you will NEED to have a rehearsal of some kind. That is extremely important so everyone will know what to do on your wedding day.

But most importantly, and I can’t stress this enough, don’t let someone without real wedding industry experience lead your rehearsal or direct your wedding ceremony. Sure, Aunt Jenny had a successful career doing event planning. But she has no experience with actual WEDDING planning. So she will get everything right except the ceremony itself.

And sure, it’s not the end of the world and no lives will be lost if the whole thing ends up being a cluster. The joy of the day will overcome it all. But most people would prefer a ceremony that is lovely and smooth over the one where the couple is sweating in the boiling sun talking over the minister while wearing rings he had to cut off the pillow as the dog poops in front of Grandma’s seat.

-Rev. Sam

The Five Most Important Words in a Wedding

As a part of my wedding ministry, I offer couples a marriage counseling program which can help their marriage down the road and can save them money on the cost of their license. This program includes lots of helpful exercises that couples can use to learn more about each other and to arm themselves with tools they will need to have a successful relationship for years to come.

As the wedding process unfolds I like to share my own marriage advice and counsel with my couples in subtle ways, telling stories and sharing my personal experiences as we prepare for the wedding. One of the most popular readings for weddings begins with the words, “Love is patient; love is kind.” I always tend to look directly into the groom’s eyes while saying this line much in the spirit of Thelma’s words to the cop as she forces him into the trunk of a car at gunpoint in the popular movie Thelma and Louise:

State Trooper: [Sobbing] Please! I have a wife and kids.

Thelma: Oh, really, well, you’re lucky. You be sweet to them, especially your wife. My husband wasn’t sweet to me. Look how I turned out.

Of course, wives should be sweet to their husbands as well. Being kind is a two-way street that should be heavily traveled by both partners.

There are many important five-word phrases in a traditional wedding like, “’Till death do us part,” “For better or for worse,” and, “You may kiss the bride.” Out of all of them there is one that has the best advice for couples because it reminds them to be sweet to each other and that is the phrase, “To love and to cherish.”

The “love” part is easy and probably already deeply entrenched because a wedding is happening. The “cherish” part is not so easily achieved and is the basis of what people refer to as “work” in a marriage.

Human nature makes us want what we cannot have and take for granted what we do have. As the years grind away couples may forget the heady days of romantic love that brought them together. Novelty turns into routine, freshness turns into blandness, and the feeling of being grateful for having found one’s soul-mate is lost in the day to day drudgery that life can become.

Learning to cherish our partner is difficult because to do so we must face the possibility (dare I say inevitability) that we will one day lose that person to the unceasing wheels of life.

A couple whom I had married some years earlier recently came to me for help, citing huge difficulties in their marriage. I gave each of them a questionnaire to complete which included the question, “How would you feel if your partner were to die tomorrow?”

Each of them admitted that he or she would be devastated to lose their significant other, which is exactly what I wanted to hear and told me that they really want to be together for the long haul. It is easy for us to lose sight of the fact that every time we say goodbye to our wife or husband we might be saying goodbye for the last time. Life is fleeting but often we don’t see that until it is too late.

The key to a happy marriage goes beyond simply not going to bed angry. It is going to bed grateful for that person beside you. It is waking up grateful for that person beside you. It is living your life with the hope that your wife or husband will be there safe and sound when you get home from work and that you can have a nice meal together, go for a long walk together, and share the events the day with one another.

When we are eternally grateful for something we treat it with love and respect naturally and easily. We care for it, tend to it, and nurture it even at the cost of our own selfish desires and wants. Learning to cherish someone is to grow up into the adult we should all be, cultivating selflessness that the Buddhists would envy and that the rest of the world would find almost other-worldly. To cherish someone is to put aside childish needs and to be ready to put one’s life on the line for them at any time.

To love and to cherish someone is the goal of a married life and is the secret to a long-term happiness that yields silver and gold wedding anniversaries ripe with children and grandchildren and memories of a life well lived.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Elements of a Wedding Service (Parts is Parts)

If I have sent you some ceremonies from which you will put together your own, unique ceremony, as you read them you will start to understand the various parts to a wedding ceremony and how they fit together. However to make it easier for you I have put together this list of the important elements of a wedding ceremony and their traditional order:

I. Some kind of introduction, which may include an address to those in attendance and to you, the couple.

II. The "I dos," which is simply the question that you answer, "I do," or "I will."

III. The hand-off. (Optional.)  This is where I ask your escort (your father generally), "Who presents this woman to be married to this man?" His usual reply is, "Her mother and I" or "Her family and I." (NOTE: Sometimes the dad or escort simply drops off the bride at the front and goes to sit down before the processional music stops, making this part unnecessary. Also, the hand-off can happen first thing once the bride arrives at the front and the music stops.)

IV. Either a reading or some general words from the minister (or both). (Optional.)

V. The vows, which are repeated after me. You can choose from vows that are in the sample ceremonies or you can find alternate vows in the file "AltVows-Readings." See the blog entry entitled, “Vows: To Talk or Not to Talk.”

VI. The ring exchange. This part almost always directly follows the vows and is usually preceded by a few words from the minister and involves a short repeat-after-me.

VII. Some sort of symbolic gesture (Optional.) In a traditional, religious ceremony this would be the Unity Candle Ceremony (for an inside wedding). For non-religious ceremonies there are lots of choices of symbolic gestures found in the file "AltVows-Readings" to take the place of the Unity Candle Ceremony, like the sand ceremony, wine ceremony, water ceremony, or the Hands Ceremony (which can be done with no props at all). It is very lovely and you can edit it for your specific situation or to shorten it if you like. Please see my blog entry entitled, “Use of Props (Candles in the Wind).”

VIII. Maybe more words from the minister. (Optional.) You will find these general words from the minister interspersed amidst the various ceremonies.

IX. The pronouncement, which usually goes something like, "Now that you have stood before me and exchanged these rings, etc,...it gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife," and is usually followed directly by the kiss (sometimes a short blessing precedes the kiss in a religious service). For more information about the actual kiss, please see my blog entry entitled, "The Wedding Kiss (Good and Bad News Bears)."

X. The introduction of the new couple. (Optional.)  This would be something like, "I now present to you, Mr. and Mrs. ____________." An alternate introduction might be, “Please welcome ________ and ________ in their new lives together as husband and wife.” This introduction is appropriate if the bride isn’t changing her name or simply wants a little more “liberated” ending to the service.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Wedding Officiant FAQ's

I have finally gotten around to putting together a list of frequently asked questions. I hope this answers any questions you might have. Please contact me directly if you need more information. Thanks!

What kinds of weddings ceremonies do you perform? I perform religious and civil ceremonies, interfaith, intercultural, and interracial ceremonies, and anything in between. I have many ceremonies in my armory and can send them to you in word documents. You can mix and match parts, change wording, or introduce original content at will. I want you to be perfectly happy with your wedding ceremony. Typically you would send your rough draft to me for review once you’ve pulled it together. If I have any suggestions or comments on length or flow I will let you know. If not, then we’re all set. Of course, I am available by phone and email to help if you need me at any time.

Can we write our own vows? Yes, although I suggest you read over lots of other vows before doing so. That way, you can get the feel of how vows are structured, which is in a sing-song way, with short bits that can easily be repeated as opposed to long, prose-like sentences without natural breaks for repeating. I will often make suggestions for changes to your vows to make them more repeatable but I think it is wonderful that couples want to write their own vows and I encourage it wholeheartedly.

Can we read our vows to each other instead of repeating them after you? Yes, some brides and grooms choose this option. Keep in mind that the audience probably won’t be able to hear your vows as clearly as they would in the traditional “repeat-after-me” scenario, but that is your choice. I do NOT suggest you try to memorize your vows. Sometimes couples do not want to repeat after me at all and want to say as little as possible during their ceremony. For these situations we usually skip the repeat-after-me part and put all the important sentiments into the question that you answer, “I do.” I have also performed weddings where the couple will exchange their vows which they have written on little scrolls, which they simply exchange while I tell the audience that they are now exchanging vows that they will share with each other later in private.

How do you determine how much to charge for a wedding? I base my prices on how far the wedding venue is from my home, whether or not you need me for a rehearsal, and whether it is an actual wedding or an elopement (see below) I know I’m not the cheapest officiant available but that is not my goal. My goal is to be the BEST wedding officiant you can choose. Please see what other couples have to say about my services by visiting my Google Maps page.

What is an elopement? An elopement is a small wedding with very few guests (fewer than 20). Instead of entrances or exits, I simply place the couple in front of me. There are no bridesmaids or groomsmen walking in and out (although it is good to have one of each in place beside the couple to hold the rings and the flowers), no ring bearers or flower girls and no musician or DJ to coordinate with. In this scenario I can arrive later and there is less work involved for me, so I can charge a bit less. I do perform elopements at my home for a very reasonable price but you must limit your wedding party to a total of six adults as my living room is only so big.

Is my deposit refundable? No. Once I book a wedding I generally start turning down other brides and grooms and sometimes can put quite a bit of work into a wedding whether it ultimately happens or not. I keep my deposit amount low so that you don’t lose too much money if you have to cancel but the deposit is non-refundable.

Why do you ask for the final payment before the service? I ask that you give me the final payment and the license before the service because you will be busy with photographs and family after the service.

Do you require a meeting in person before the ceremony or to book you for our wedding? No, I do not require a meeting. For out of town weddings I often work with the couple by phone and email only as we put together a service. If you want to meet me I am happy to make time for you if you are willing to come to the Athens, GA, area. I usually meet my victims at the Starbucks located at 1761 Epps Bridge Pkwy, Athens, GA, 30606, but any coffee shop or restaurant in the Athens/Watkinsville area is fine with me.

Do you have any restrictions on who you will marry? No. I will marry any bride and groom who seem willing to be married. The only time I would refuse to perform a wedding is if I thought one of the participants was being coerced and not completely willing to marry the other.

Will you perform a wedding if a couple lives together already? Yes. I am very happy to marry you even if you have lived together for years and maybe even have children together already. I am always happy to help create a more solid family unit.

Will you perform a wedding if there is going to be alcohol at the reception? Yes. What happens at the reception is no business of mine.

Do you stay for the reception? Generally I do NOT stay for the reception for a number of reasons: I have other weddings to perform; I want to spend what is left of my weekend time with my family; I am on a restricted diet and cannot eat the rich food that is often served; and sometimes people feel like they can’t cut loose and have fun if the minister is there. Honestly, if I stayed for every reception for every wedding I perform I would be as big as a house and an alcoholic so I generally don’t stay.

What do you wear to perform a wedding? I wear a dark, gray suit with a white dress shirt and black tie. If you would like for me to dress down, please give me an example of what you would like for me to wear and I will do my best (for example, dress shirt and pants with a tie, or jeans and a tee-shirt).

How and where do we get the license? You can get your license by going together to your local probate court with your drivers licenses and birth certificates OR your passports. If either of you have been married before you may have to have a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree. I suggest calling the probate court before making the trip or looking them up online. Most have a website with information regarding obtaining a marriage license. If NEITHER of you are residents of the state of Georgia then you MUST get your license in the county in which the wedding is performed. If either of you ARE residents of Georgia then you can go to any probate court and get married anywhere in the state with the license you receive.

After the wedding, how long does it take to get our marriage certificate? I fill out your license and send it back to the probate court as soon as I can after your wedding. It typically takes two to three weeks for the probate court to generate your marriage certificate. As you make application for your license you should ask about getting multiple certified copies (at least three) and you should ask whether they will be mailed to you or if you have to go and pick them up at the end of the process.

If we don’t have a coordinator, can you lead the rehearsal? Yes, I am happy to lead the rehearsal if you do not have a coordinator. I do ask for a phone conversation in the days leading up to the rehearsal so I can be more prepared for your rehearsal. I do not charge extra to lead a rehearsal.

How long does a rehearsal take? The typical rehearsal takes anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour depending on how many bridesmaids and groomsmen, ring bearers, and flower girls you have in your wedding.

Is it an accepted practice to tip the officiant? If you are especially pleased with my services then I gladly accept tips. Tips are not expected but are certainly welcomed and most definitely appreciated. I try to keep my prices as low as possible in order to serve as many couples as possible. I don’t have a church that provides a full time income beyond my weddings. Due to rising prices, the seasonal nature of the wedding industry and the fact that there is a limited number of Saturdays in a year, my income potential as a wedding minister is limited. I don’t perform weddings because it is lucrative; I do it because I love it.

-Rev. Sam
www.revsam.com