The Father of the Bride

There are only two things about weddings that I don’t like. The first is dress socks. I think they’re creepy but I wear them anyway. I guess my wife doesn’t have to worry about coming home early to find me wearing her panty hose. Yuck!

The second is the thought of giving my little girl away on her wedding day. She once asked me, “Daddy, are you going to perform my wedding when I get married?”

I replied, “No way! I’ll have a completely different job to do on your wedding day. I’ll be playing the part of ‘Daddy’ on that day.”

I often say that there is no end to the variation in the ways that people think about weddings. The same is certainly true in regards to the reactions of fathers walking their daughters down the aisle.

Many are stoic and reserved, seeming to just go through the motions as if shell-shocked by the whole experience. Some are nervous and flub their lines and trip over the dress as they go to their seat.

Other dads seem rather relieved, as if to say, “She’s YOUR problem now, buddy.”

The fact of the matter is dads have a tough job to do and they are the unsung heroes of the wedding day. Most of the focus is on the bride, obviously. Next in line is the mother of the bride. The groom comes in at a distant third.

Dads are almost completely overlooked as they give away their most precious gift in life. I’ve seen many a tear-filled eye as I look at them and ask, “Who presents this woman to be married to this man.?”

What I have found in my experience as a wedding officiate – some seventeen years now – is the bigger the father and the more he jokes around at the rehearsal, the more likely he is to be crying as he answers my question, “Her mother and I.”

It took me a few years of performing weddings to get over that lump in my throat as the bride first appears in the back. Now the only time that lump forms is when I think about being that guy who has to answer that tough question and give up the thing I love almost more than anything else in the world: my precious little girl.

At least I have a few more years to prepare for that moment.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Something New Under the Sun

As we move into the summer months I realize that most brides and grooms do not realize the ramifications of choosing a wedding location that is in the direct sun during the heat of summer. When planning a summer wedding in January, that spot on the lawn right out in the open seems wonderful. However, when the temperatures are hitting 100 degrees in June, it won’t be so wonderful anymore.

So, I am instituting a new policy that will hopefully force brides and grooms to consider the uncomfortable situation they are setting themselves up for.

Henceforth, for all daytime, outdoor weddings between May and September shade MUST be provided for me. If a couple chooses to stand out in the direct heat for their wedding that is OK, but shade must be provided for me even if it is nothing more than an umbrella.

I know this sounds tough, but again and again it happens to brides and grooms: they fail to consider the heat and then just MELT on their wedding day, putting a damper on the good feelings that weddings generate.

Outdoor weddings are great. I love them. Brides love them because they feel closer to God. They like to get married in the “big room” as I like to say. But as most folks don’t get married many times in a lifetime they forget the stress of a wedding ceremony – no matter how simple the service is – and how standing in the direct heat of the sun compounds it. I have seen brides and grooms stand in front of me with steady streams of sweat pouring off their noses because they failed to take the Southern heat into consideration when they picked out their day, place, and time for their wedding.

So please, for the love of all that’s holy, when picking your spot to get married, please make sure it is a shady spot – for you, for me, and for the people attending your service. And as great as the outdoors is, air conditioning is the best wedding present you will ever get on your wedding day during the summer months. Trust me on this.

-Rev. Sam

The Many Facets of a Vow Renewal Ceremony

No matter what light shines on a vow renewal service it is a beautiful thing. While the love at a wedding is certainly beautiful and pure, the love celebrated in a vow renewal is deep and encompassing like the roots of a great oak or the depths of an ancient spring.

Perhaps one of the most touching moments of my ministerial career – of which there are many – was a vow renewal service I did for a couple who had eloped fifty years earlier. I was touched in the very beginning after having been approached by a daughter of the “bride.”  I was moved at what a sweet gesture the children of this woman were willing to make for her as her first wedding was an elopement service, done by a Justice of the Peace in South Carolina.

The story goes that he had to run down to the corner gas station that he owned to get his seal so he could notarize their wedding certificate. This woman had dreamed of having a real wedding one day and it finally came true on her 50^th wedding anniversary.

She was so surprised when a minister appeared at their special meal in a side room at a local restaurant. I stepped up and they stood before me and with tears in her eyes, she said “I do” in front of her families, children, and grandchildren. I was very moved at what a loving and giving family it was standing around me.

A vow renewal service is also a way for couples to reconnect after going through a bad patch in their marriage or to get closer together after years of being pulled apart by work and family. In these economic times the true values of love and togetherness are replacing the values of earning and spending and a vow renewal is a great way to re-establish the footing of your relationship for not a lot of money.

The logistics of a vow renewal are very easy as it can simply happen at a party wherever it is held – at home, in a restaurant, at an events facility or a bed-and-breakfast, in the fellowship hall or sanctuary of your church or at the botanical gardens. There are none of the trappings of a real wedding except for maybe some flowers for the bride. You don’t need bridesmaids or groomsmen, ring bearers or flower girls; just a minister, a couple, a family, and lots of love to last for years to come.

If you need help planning your vow renewal service you might consider calling Jessie Patton from Wild Flower Events Services. She has tons of experience and can help you no matter how big or small your event will be. Visit her website and contact her to plan your wedding or vow renewal service. As I always say, choose experience. Your wedding day is worth it.

-Rev. Sam

PS. If you don't need me for your minister and you like folk/popular music played on an acoustic guitar, I can do that. I don't do classical but rather romantic popular songs from Bing Crosby to modern times. Here is a song I wrote while marrying a couple back in the late 90's. They were a sweet couple and very inspiring: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajLLPstg0n8.

One for the Grooms

If there is one thing I’ve learned by being a wedding minister for the last sixteen years or so it’s this: there is no end to the variation in how people feel about things, including weddings. Many guys are completely prepared to spend a day in formal dress and be perfect gentlemen. Others area dragged out from under the car, out in the yard, or on top of the house and asked to comb their hair, put on a suit, and act like they’ve been there before.

For the guys who aren’t used to being dressed up and in formal situations – much less being one of two focal points of the whole day while in an uncomfortable monkey suit – there are just a few key things that you probably don’t know – and should.

If you don’t wear a suit on a regular basis, you probably don’t know that men are supposed to leave the bottom button of their vest and/or suit jacket unbuttoned (unless the lapel comes down past the top button). It may not matter to you, but others who are in the know will notice that when they look at the pictures. Lots of photographers will point this out, but not all of them are aware of this fashion tip.

Many theories have been put forth regarding why this trend evolved. Some of them involve men carrying pistols or the length of their waistcoats, but the predominant theory is a matter of royal fashion involving King Edward II,  a chunky person who left his bottom buttons undone so that sitting down was easier without risk of losing them. The other gentlemen saw this and copied him for whatever reason. The trend stuck and nowadays to really look GQ you gotta leave them unbuttoned.

Another tip for grooms is to get your hair cut at least two weeks before the wedding and do not get it cut any differently than you normally do. It’s better to look like yourself in your wedding pictures instead of some guy that got hauled in, kicking and screaming, to be sheared. Do NOT get your hair cut super-short just before your wedding. Better to just be yourself.

Most men do not carry handkerchiefs anymore. Since germs have become celebrities, tissues and hand sanitizer are everywhere and the idea of blowing your nose in a handkerchief and putting it back into your pocket passed away with the last generation. However, if there is one day when you NEED a handkerchief it is on your wedding day. The main reason is if your bride starts to cry during your service, it should be YOU who whips out a handkerchief for her – like her like knight in shining armor.

I learned this lesson the hard way. Since the second time I got stuck at the altar with a bawling bride and no handkerchief among the men in the wedding party, I am always careful to arm the groom with one before each service if he doesn’t already have one. This is just pure experience talking.

Some grooms get a little teary themselves. That’s OK. Handkerchiefs work both ways, so if you are a groom and you need to wipe away a tear, use the handkerchief. This will usually happen at the repeat-after-me part. If it happens to you, take a moment to use the handkerchief. This will give you a bit of time to collect yourself. Hint: think about baseball. That trick is handy in places other than the bedroom.

The last piece of advice I have for grooms is to act like they are enjoying their wedding day even if they are uncomfortable or would rather be watching football. Record the game and watch it later if it is that important to you. I can guarantee you this day is important to your future wife, so you should get used to the idea of being sweet to her and doing things for her even if it puts you out a little bit. You are entering a new phase of your life where it is no longer just about “me.” There is a “we” to consider now. You will be well served to get used to the idea of doing things together when it might not be your first choice of how to spend your day. A good place to start is putting on a happy face on your wedding day. Football can wait.

-Rev. Sam

So You're Engaged -- Now What?

Congratulations on your engagement. The biggest question is what do I do next?

The first step is to determine your budget, who will pay for your wedding, and how.  Once that minefield has been crossed and you know who much you have to work with, you should start formulating a plan and shopping for vendors as soon as you can.

HINT: There are only so many Saturdays in a year and Saturday is still the most sought after day when people plan their wedding. Fridays and Sundays have become more and more acceptable days for a wedding service with Sunday being second in line.

For a Sunday wedding you can still have a rehearsal but since rehearsals usually happen the day before the wedding – which in this case would be a Saturday and likely to be booked for a wedding – you would have to schedule the rehearsal earlier in the day, which isn’t so bad. It just gives you more time between the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. Sometimes Sunday weddings will have a Friday rehearsal but it is still often earlier in the day since Fridays afternoons are the rehearsal times for Saturday afternoon weddings.

Friday weddings are most likely to be less formal affairs since they are the least likely day a venue will be available because of rehearsals for Saturday and Sunday weddings. Most Friday weddings are not at traditional venues and often resemble elopements more than weddings. They don’t usually have rehearsals because people often have to travel to be in weddings and can’t afford to ask off for two days to make a Thursday rehearsal AND pay for a bridesmaid dress.

The important thing to remember is to BOOK EARLY! Many of my weddings will book a year or more in advance, especially the Valentines Day engagements that want to marry during spring or summer of the following year.

Here’s why. People look ahead on the calendar to see where the holidays fall. For example, many people don’t want to get married on Mother’s Day weekend or Father’s Day weekend or Easter weekend, etc. And they won’t want to get married at Halloween or Thanksgiving or in the uncomfortable colder months. That starts to narrow the field of good Saturdays that will be comfortable and convenient for everybody to attend.

And the quality vendors get booked first. Couples seeking that top-shelf wedding will snatch up the most talented photographers and the most beautiful flower arrangers just by looking at their work. Similarly, they will research and find the best coordinator and musician they can afford.

 As a practical matter, perhaps one of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not to have a wedding coordinator – and if so, who will it be? It depends on how large your wedding will be; and how busy you are with your life and/or career. A good idea is to ask other people about their wedding experience. There’s no shortage of married people around to ask.

If you decide you want to have a coordinator you may want to wait to look for the other vendors until you can look at the ones recommended by her. If she is experienced she will already know some of the better vendors around. That saves you a lot of legwork.

Some people will make the choice of vendors simply all about money. Others with more liberal budgets will base their decisions on intangibles like personality and bedside manner. My best advice is to see what other people have to say about any particular vendor and go with the one that is experienced but not jaded even if you have to bend your budge a little. The axiom that you get what you pay for is never truer than in the wedding industry. A team of top-shelf vendors can help make a wedding a joyful experience.

These people will be your co-workers for this entire project and unless you have a coordinator you will have to work with them to personally convey your wishes.

The ones with experience will bring up issues you never thought of before. If they are new to the game they will not know all the little ins and outs that you only learn by doing it again and again and seeing for yourself the many little things that can go wrong. After all, no two weddings are alike. If you can afford a coordinator, they can help streamline the whole affair by taking the pressure off of you to find the right vendors and ask the right questions.

Here’s the kicker: the most comfortable weddings – from the bride and groom’s perspective – are the weddings where they do as much of the work as they can before their wedding day so they can just cruise through it and relax as much as possible. When you know you’ve done their best you can in this project that is probably the first you will do together as a team, you will be off to a good start as a married couple.

Perhaps the greatest truism I have learned in over sixteen years of being a wedding minister is there is no end to the variations in the way people think about weddings, so be willing to express yourself. Your wedding will be a reflection of who you are as a couple so you should work together to make it happen.

-Rev. Sam

A Step Backwards: Proposals Good and Bad

First let me say there is no right or wrong way to propose to your girl. However, experience has taught me that there are some general Dos and Don’ts to consider when it’s time to pop the question.

I don’t want to stifle your creativity because the ladies like it when the proposal from their beloved has some thought behind it. They appreciate the effort. That continues throughout the relationship, by the way. So let’s start with the Don’ts first.

Probably the biggest one is, don’t propose in front of a large number of people or on live TV. I’ve never met a woman who thought that being asked to marry in front of a stadium or a studio audience was a good idea. Unless she actually SAYS that it would be fun, I wouldn’t do it. The ladies like to share the news of their engagement with their friends and family in little bits, savoring the moments as they unfold. Don’t ruin that for them.

Don’t hide the ring in food or drink. You won’t get any credit for originality and you might end up sitting in the emergency room or digging through garbage all night.

Obviously, don’t propose over the phone, in a text message or while you’re doing something trivial (unless you like hearing the word "no" when asking life-altering questions).

Don't propose to her in front of her family (or on front of yours).

Don’t propose while drunk, after a fight, or after sex (either individually or in any combination).

Don’t propose while you are sick (either of you).

Don’t ask somebody else to ask her FOR you and definitely don’t use a ring that you’ve given to somebody else before (unless you LIKE sleeping alone).

The best proposals are done with few people around and with no distractions. The proposal should be a surprise, even if you’ve already discussed it beforehand and agreed that it should happen. She might know it's coming but the timing should be unexpected.

I know it’s hard to be creative, but you don’t have to take the creativity to tremendous heights, just be slightly unique. Be yourself -- but your cooler and more sensitive self. Be prepared in case she doesn't answer you right away. Be patient and understanding. It's good practice for being a husband.

When I proposed to my wife, I did it in a restaurant. I put the ring in a music box and gift-wrapped it for her. I was about to go on a long trip so I made that an excuse to give her the gift – to remind her of me while I was gone. An engagement ring was the best reminder possible.

When she found the ring I dropped to one knee and quietly asked her to marry me right there in the restaurant. Only a couple of tables even saw me and I'm not sure that they knew what I was doing. I didn't care anyway.

We still visit that restaurant and will always remember that table with fondness. It was very intimate and romantic and just creative enough to not be cookie-cutter without going anywhere near over the top.

Often the choice of location is the most meaningful choice you can make, like where you met or the first place you kissed. In our case, it was a restaurant we frequented often during our courtship.

This may sound silly, but you should practice exactly what you’re going to say so that you don’t stumble over the words. She'll want to hear you say it in a clear, confident voice. It is also nice to tell her why you want her to marry you, so think about that before you walk into battle.  She will appreciate the extra effort to express yourself.

And of course, DO have a ring. It doesn't mean a thing unless you put a ring on it.

I know being in love makes you want to shout it from the rooftops, but if you’re thinking about writing it in the sky, stop and reflect for a moment about what you’re doing, and consider something more low-key. Your future wife will appreciate it. Trust me on this one.

Two for the road. Often at the end of a  posting I will point you in the direction of a vendor that I have worked with numerous times and can safely recommend. This post I have two for you.

The first is photographer Jason Thrasher. He is a top-notch photographer and a stand-up guy. He has a great bedside manner and does wonderful work on the back end to clean up the photos and make you look good!

Next I would guide you to Consultants Unlimited, one of the best wedding and event planning companies around. Those guys are great and really know what they are doing when it comes to planning a wedding. Give them a call to make your wedding top-shelf and above.

-Rev. Sam