Feeling the Pressure

This is the last entry of the year. I hope 2010 was a good year for everybody and that 2011 is even more excellent. Let’s get right to it.

In the sixteen years since my first wedding there is one thing that has remained consistent. No matter how cool the temperature at wedding time, the groom always has that sheen of sweat across the forehead. Couples feel the pressure as their marriage draws near no matter how many years of togetherness have passed before the wedding.

Most of this pressure is self-inflicted and the result of not seeing the whole picture of their wedding service. Brides and grooms – and their families – often get too caught up in the details of the service to the point that it can become tedious for everybody.

There are a number of things that everybody should remember about the wedding service that will help the bride and groom to remain calm on their wedding day.

First, let’s look at the source of the nervousness. I would say a very small percentage of the pressure couples feel is because of concern over whether this is the right thing to do with the right person. Again, I say very small because I believe that the vast majority of couples believe that the person they stand with before me is the right person and that marriage is the right choice.

A second source of pressure is from family members on either side who may not feel that the marriage is a good idea. Again, an extremely small number of weddings have even a hint of this feeling about them as most families are on their best behavior on the wedding day whether they are completely into it or not – for the kids.

So, ninety-five percent of the nervousness that couples feel on their wedding day is the result of their wedding happening in front of a live audience. Brides, grooms, and families can start to feel like the wedding service is a show or a concert where brides and grooms will be expected to perform before critics and the media.

Here is a list of things brides and grooms should remember to help them through this.

First of all, a wedding is not some public event with the photographer from the newspaper standing ready with the camera in case the bride trips or the groom drops the ring. The people in attendance are your friends and family and the photographer is the one you hired to make you look good. No matter what happens in front of these people it will be fine. They love you and will be happy no matter what happens during your service. Plus, if anything funny does happen, it will just be a good story to tell for the rest of your life.

Next, most couples don’t realize that the wedding service, although it may be attended by hundreds, is really something that takes place between the three of us up at the front. Your backs are turned to the audience during half the service and you turn to face each other the other half. You only have to turn and face the crowd as you exit, so the actual service is something that feels very intimate just between us.

Third, long before you arrive at the altar in front of me we will have worked out the text of your service. I will have it before me and I will direct you through it with the greatest of ease. I will have two voices – big voice and small voice. With big voice I will speak to everybody in the room. In small voice I will direct you every step of the way, telling you when to turn and face each other, when to answer a long question with “I do,” when to repeat after me, when to hand your flowers to the maid of honor and when to get them back and face everybody for the pronouncement.

The last thing you should remember about your wedding service is that you really don’t have to remember anything for your wedding service. Unless you choose to memorize your vows, which I highly discourage, you should just clear your mind and take mental pictures as I guide you through your service, telling you what to do and what to say every step of the way.

The only thing I ever instruct anyone to remember for their wedding service is for the bride to remember to lift the front of her dress if she has to walk up stairs to the altar so she doesn’t trip on the hem of her dress. Otherwise, going in with a clear and worry-free mind is the best way to approach a wedding service.

Beautiful Music. Often at the end of each blog entry I like to mention wedding venues and vendors in the North Georgia area that cross my path. Recently I had the good fortune to work with a most excellent pianist named Kristin Horne. Please keep her in mind as you plan your wedding. Kristin also plays at receptions and offers lessons for children and adults at her studio located at 2167 Atlanta Hwy SE in Statham, GA, or you can call her at 678-334-5264. She is very smooth, very professional, and will attend your rehearsal for a small, extra fee, which is over and beyond the call of duty for most wedding musicians.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

License to Wed

The first step in making your marriage legal is for you and your future partner to go to your local probate court to apply for a marriage license. If either of you are a resident of the state of Georgia, you can go to any probate court to get a license that is good to marry anywhere in the state of Georgia. It makes sense to go to your local probate court, even if you are getting married in a different county as it is easier to go local.

If neither of you are residents of the state of Georgia then you must make application to marry in the SAME COUNTY where the service is to be held. Also, if either of you have been married before, be sure to ask if you need to bring a CERTIFIED copy of your divorce decree with you as you make application to marry. My understanding is that if you are residents of Georgia you do not need this document, but I would ask anyway just to be sure.

There are no required blood tests anymore, so you needle-phobes can just relax. You do need to take your drivers’ licenses (or a certified copy of your birth certificate or a passport if you don’t drive) with you. At the probate court they will have you fill out and sign some papers and pay them some money. Then they will give you a document which you will give to me before the service. I am required by law to fill that document out and send it back in to the probate court promptly after the service. That document does NOT require witnesses. Hopefully they will give you a return envelope for me to use but not always.

Since that document does not require witnesses, sometimes couples will cook up an unofficial document that does have a place for the couple, witnesses, and me to sign and is used as a photo-op after the ceremony, but that is somewhat unusual as you generally already have enough wedding details to see to already.

Once I fill that document out (I simply fill in the date you were married, the city and county, my signature, title and address) and send it in, it typically takes about two or three weeks for the probate court to generate your original marriage certificate(s). I do suggest that you ask them about getting some extra, certified copies for your filing cabinet as you will be asked for certified copies of your marriage certificate at various times during your married life (for example, insurance companies love to ask for a certified copy to prove that you are married).

Now, as for GETTING your certified copies, different probate courts behave differently in this regard. Some will automatically mail them to you. Other probate courts ask you to come back in to pick them up. This is something you should ask them about on your first trip to the probate court. That way, you will know exactly what you will need to do – or not do – to get your marriage certificate(s). If they require you to pick them up, that is sometimes helpful because your next step would be to take a certified copy to the Social Security office to apply for the bride’s name change.

In some cases, couples are in a hurry to receive their certified copies of their marriage certificate. In this case, you need to ask the probate court if you can hand deliver that document that I fill out so that they can generate your certified copies right away. Some probate courts will do this and others won’t. Again, it is important that you ask as you make your application if you need this extra level of service.

If you are going on a cruise for your honeymoon, be sure to tell your wedding minister as you will need to take with you a copy of that document that I send in after the service. I’m not exactly sure why you need this, but my experience has taught me that this is the case. That document has no official purpose other than for the probate court to use to generate your marriage certificate but for some reason the cruise lines require it before boarding.

In the sixteen years or so since I became a wedding minister, there have been a few occasions where the document that I fill out and send in gets lost somewhere between my mailbox and the probate court. If this happens do not panic. The probate court can re-issue the document that you gave to me before the service to do again.. You can mail it to me and I can fill it out and mail it back in to the probate court and presto, problem solved – all by mail.

In this downward economy, I have noticed that probate courts are somewhat slower than usual in generating marriage licenses, so be patient with them. I’m guessing this has to do with reduced staff at probate courts in order to save money. I have also seen an upturn in misplaced documents in the last few years as they pass through the USPS. Again, I’m guessing this has a lot to do with reduced staff and corner cutting on the part of the post office but I can’t be sure.

Again, fixing the problem of lost documents is easily fixed with a call or quick visit to your probate court. If you arrange for your certified marriage certificate(s) to be mailed to you and you DON’T receive them within a month, the first thing you want to do is contact the probate court to see if there was a misunderstanding about how you retrieve them. They will help you go from there.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Holiday Weddings

Within the last year a new trend seems to be emerging that may be related to the economy – or not. People are now more often getting married on holidays, particularly New Years Eve, New Years Day, and July Fourth.

There are many advantages to getting married on these holidays. For one thing, you’ll always be off of work on your anniversary. For another, there will always be a party on your anniversary – many times with fireworks!

People are generally off work on holidays, so it's easier for your families and friends to attend your wedding when you marry on a holiday. It also means that you are off work for your anniversary every year.

There are some down sides to a holiday wedding however, especially if you want to have a full wedding with all the trimmings. First of all, it might be hard to find vendors willing to work on holidays – and if they do they may charge extra. Your search to find a minister, photographer, caterer, musician or Dee-Jay may be harder, so be prepared to be turned down a lot.

Next, it might be hard to secure the venue that you want because the people that manage and maintain those properties will want to be off on holidays.

Lastly, some people that you will want to attend your wedding may not because of other travel plans and family obligations. For example, if you get married on New Years Eve, your brother might not be there because he and his wife go to see her family up in Jersey this time every year – things like that. Some families divide up the holidays and simply will not be available to come to your wedding.

So while getting married on a holiday seems like a great idea, in practice it works best for the smaller, home-bound weddings or destination elopement services. It also works if your extended families are small and live close together. You can find success if the venue you choose is open all year, like a park or similar public place – or your home for that matter.

The holiday wedding works best for those that cater their own wedding and who don’t need a professional photographer – having a friend take pictures instead. The fewer vendors you have to get involved the easier your holiday wedding will be to plan and execute. Like an elopement, the best holiday wedding is the simpler one.

And now a word from our sponsors. As time goes by I like to mention certain vendors that stand out in their field. One such vendor is photographer Wingate Downs. I’ve know Wingate for most of the sixteen years I have been a wedding minister and I can safely say he is a top-shelf photographer of the highest order. If you want the highest quality photos and an engaging, pleasant photographer to shoot your wedding, go for experience and give Wingate a call or visit his website.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Something Old Something New

I rarely get asked about wedding caterers or photographers or DJ’s, but I often get asked to suggest a location for the wedding.  That’s my something old for this post.

There are many events facilities around North Georgia that are tucked away and unknown, often quaint and unique, sometimes themed and sometimes just a good, open space that is shaded and peaceful.

I found a new events facility that is smack dab in the middle of Northeast Georgia called Boutier Winery (pronounced BOO-SHAY`). Boutier Winery is a winery first, producing award winning wines and bottled with either their label or YOUR picture on the label for your wedding.  They will even make cases of small bottles with the happy couple’s picture on it as gifts to the attendees.

Having established themselves as wine producers, they have now expanded their facilities to include a space for weddings and special events. Located outside of Danielsville, GA, Boutier is only thirty minutes from Athens and 80 minutes from Atlanta, nestled into the countryside with the quiet of nature around you.

Their outdoor wedding area is well manicured and the barrel water fountain is a nice touch. Inside is plenty of room for up to 150 guests and a bar area where the owners are on hand to answer questions about the wines they produce, which everyone seemed to enjoy immensely.

According to owners Victor Boutier and Mary Jakupi-Boutier, Boutier Winery will soon break ground on a bed and breakfast right there on the property that will have enough bedrooms to put the wedding party and both sides of the family up for the entire weekend, making Boutier Winery a top shelf, one-stop wedding destination.  I especially enjoyed the nice drive in the countryside to get there. Highway 106, as it makes its way north of Athens, seems to have a quaint, country church around every curve. I love it.

And now, something completely different.  I have discovered a new trend that I think is not only very pleasant, but is a very thoughtful gesture on the part of the couple: providing a boxed, courtesy meal to the vendors, like the minister, the musician or DJ, the photographer, the bartenders, and the flower arranger.

In the last few years I have noticed that couples are taking the comfort of their wedding party members more into consideration, providing good food and drink for bridesmaids and groomsmen in their dressing rooms. Often people forget to eat and drink on a busy day like a wedding day can be, so just having some finger food within reach is a great thing to remember to do for your wedding party.

Extending this courtesy to the vendors I think is the most considerate thing I’ve seen in a long time. There are only so many Saturdays in a year, so often we have to leave one wedding and go straight to another with hardly the time or inclination to stop and eat. Having food offered to you on such a day can make all the difference in the world and is a courtesy that is certainly appreciated, especially considering that the caterers are laying out all this great smelling, wonderful food that we must work around but not touch.

 This trend is so new that I suggest you strongly urge the vendors to take advantage of this courtesy, letting them know in advance and reminding them often that a boxed lunch or dinner will be waiting for them, or have the caterers deliver the food directly to the vendors as some will be too shy to go ask for it themselves – until (or if) this trend does take hold.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Put a Ring On It

The exchange of wedding rings is something that most all weddings have. I have done one wedding that did not involve exchanging rings, but that was a situation where the groom had no ring finger to speak of. Unless this is true for you or your beloved, you can expect the exchanging rings to be a part of your ceremony.

The most important thing to remember about the rings is DON’T FORGET THEM! I have done the odd wedding where we had to find a couple of rings to stand in, one of them being a skull ring. Unless you want to get married with a skull ring, you want to make sure the rings make it to the service.

When I arrive at the venue on the day of the wedding, the first thing on my checklist is to make sure the rings are here. If not, we still have time to send somebody to the hotel or house where they were left.

The question arises next of who will carry the rings during the service. Sometimes there is a ring-bearer. It is generally not a good idea to give the actual rings to the ring-bearer for a number of reasons. They may set the pillow down somewhere and forget where the left it. If they are very young they may not cooperate during the service and in fact may run the other way screaming. 

If they are old enough to be dependable during the service, it is still not a good idea to let the ring-bearer hold the actual rings because to tie them on good enough so they don’t fall off means somebody (usually me) has to untie them during the service, which can be tricky, and my hands are already full with the text of the service.

If having the ring-bearer actually carry the rings is the genuine wish of the bride, then I suggest giving the rings to the ring-bearer at the very last second before sending him down the aisle. That leaves a lot less to chance. Mostly I would suggest giving him fake rings to carry and giving both the rings to the best man. My reasons follow.

These days, I suggest to couples that they let the best man carry both of the rings during the service instead of giving the groom’s ring to the maid of honor to carry. One of the main reasons for this is that the maid/matron of honor is already holding two sets of flowers by the time you are exchanging rings, so a good division of duties is helpful to everybody here.

Before each service I will usually prompt the best man on how to give me the rings during the service. First I tell him (or her – I’ve seen grooms with a best woman before) to relax and not to hurry. We aren’t running any races here, so they can take their time. Then I tell them to either keep the rings in their pocket and then drop them in my palm or to simply put them both in the same box and then present the open box to me so I can simply and easily pluck them out.

The best man SHOULD NOT hand me the box, or boxes. That is the worst thing to do to a minister. I am already holding my book and don’t have the extra hands to deal with the boxes. Of course, another option is to give the rings to me before the service so I’ll already have them, avoiding the need for a ring-bearer or ring hand-off altogether.

The best man is also a good person to put in charge of making sure the minister receives the paperwork (the license and final payment, if applicable) before the service. After the service you will be busy with family and photos, so you need to take care of your wedding business either at the rehearsal or before the service as many ministers don’t stay for the reception and will generally need to get back to their families and prepare for Sunday services.

The last thing I have to say about your wedding rings is that they should fit really tightly, especially the groom’s. You don’t want to feel like your ring is going to slip off as you work with your hands as many men do, so you want to size it about half a size small. It only follows, then, that it would be difficult for another person to put that ring on your finger. What I advise couples to do at the ring exchange is to gently push the ring onto the other's finger as far as it will go and then stop and wait for the words they will be repeating. If you can’t get the ring over that last knuckle then just let the other do it themselves. Nobody in the audience will be the wiser.

The important thing is to NOT get caught up in these props, which is what your rings are to your wedding ceremony. If you struggle with the ring it may hurt your mate or become a distraction to her, to the audience, and to me. What you want to do let your future partner finish sliding in on the rest of the way and to listen to the words that you will be repeating after me at that moment. Nothing causes a case of uncontrollable, nervous giggles like the struggling at the ring exchange, so prepare for it. Putting rings on each other is not something you do every day so you may even want to practice doing it at some point before the service.

As for the bride’s engagement ring, I usually suggest that you either leave it in your dressing room (or somewhere safe) during the service, put it on your other hand, or simply leave it on and swap it with your wedding ring right after the service so that your wedding ring is on the inside, closer to your heart..

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Elopements: Keeping it Real (Simple)

Now that all the informational stuff is done (see my earlier blog entries) I can turn my attention to more topical matters that apply to everybody, not just those who can choose their minister, location, service, vows, props, etc. I realize now that all of the earlier posts are what I cover in phone calls and meetings with brides and grooms, so when we meet, you can expect to hear those things from me if asked.

Today I want to talk a bit about elopements. In this economy, many people are choosing to elope and then have a second, bigger wedding at a later time when money is better. Sometimes I’m the elopement minister, sometimes I’m the big wedding minister – sometimes I’m both.

It’s funny that the majority of vow renewals I do – especially the fifty year ones, which are the most popular -- are couples that eloped the first time around. Things were different back then. It’s a wonderful, thoughtful gift when a family hires me to do a fifty-year anniversary vow renewal for their parents. And when the first wedding was an elopement, having a real wedding fifty years later, with the family closely gathered around, makes for a very special moment in your lives. I love my job.

Here’s the long and short of elopements. Mostly it’s short. Typically, an elopement service is at my home. This is the most cost effective way to do it. For a small fee you can simply choose between a religious service and a civil service. I have short ceremonies prepared for just the three of us. It saves you money if you choose this option. If you want to customize your service (see my earlier posts about creating your own service and vows) then I usually charge a little more.

My elopement services are meant either for the three of us (Georgia does not require witnesses) or for a very small group of attendees. For my elopement services at my home I ask that you limit the wedding party to six adults, total. That means you can each bring two people with you.

I do lots of elopement services at places other than my home, but the cost goes up when I have to travel. These are called destination elopements. I love to do destination elopements, especially at places like Tallulah Gorge and the Botanical gardens. Any scenic spot will work for an elopement service when you keep it REALLY small.

There are some very nice Bed & Breakfast locations in North Georgia that are very flexible with prospective couples for hosting weddings. Near Athens there is the Thompson House and Gardens – a wonderful spot out in Bogart.

Here in Watkinsville there is the Ashford Manor. Next to it is the Ashford Memorial Methodist Church, which has been renovated and is a lovely place to have a wedding if you want a church wedding but don’t have a church (or yours isn’t available).

I do many destination elopement services at people’s homes, side rooms at restaurants, public parks and buildings, scenic overlooks in the North Georgia Mountains, secret places, places where the couple met or had their first kiss – the sky is the limit when you keep it small and simple.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

The Finishing Touches on Your Northeast Georgia Wedding

In this post I will talk about the actual order of who walks in, and out, and when, and how, and some of the finishing touches that I usually try to put on the customized services that I perform. These are the things I always think about and see to, so if you are one of my victims, know that I will be watching out for these things so you don’t have to – but it might help to know the inside story. If you haven’t read my previous posts, it would be good to do so now just to see how we got here.

Once you have signed off on the final version of the text for your wedding service (see my earlier posts regarding vows and creating a ceremony), the only thing left to discuss is the finer details.

First you would look at the room or area where you will wed. Let me say that the best thing is to avoid steps if possible. I do lots of weddings at the Day Chapel in the State Botanical Gardens of Georgia, located here in the Athens area. It is perhaps the premier wedding location in Northeast Georgia.

There are two steps at the front of the altar of the Day Chapel. Unless you have a huge wedding party (five or more bridesmaids/groomsmen), I prefer to stand on that top step and keep the entire wedding party on the floor – for a number of reasons, starting with the avoidance of steps. I hold my breath when I see a bride approaching steps. If you ever have to negotiate steps at your wedding, remember to hold your flowers between your thumb and index finger and use the other fingers to cinch the front of your dress and pull it up so you don’t trip over the front hem.

Another reason I like to keep the entire wedding party on the floor is because it keeps the action closer to the attendees, making for a more intimate wedding. When I’m put way back on the stage then I’m some twenty feet from the front row. I don’t mind speaking louder (I always make sure the people on the back row can hear. Don’t you hate going to weddings where you can’t hear the minister?) But I can use a more gentle tone when I’m closer to the people. And I think the bride and groom enjoy keeping it closer too. I think it feels more supportive to have their family literally closer to them.

Keeping the ceremony on the floor also provides space for your live musicians, sound systems, flowers, and unity candle (or any other props) that are a part of your service.

And another reason for avoiding those steps is for all of the bridesmaids, dads, flower-girls, ring-bearers, and groomsmen and their risk of falling as they go up and come back down steps. Again, the larger wedding parties pretty much have to use the whole stage, but some brides simply want to use the whole stage regardless of the size of the wedding party, and of course I defer to that. The brides’ wishes ALWAYS come FIRST.

Regardless of where you marry, there is a general structure to how things go in a wedding service. Again, there is no right or wrong, just generalities. The preference of the bride is what matters most.

Let’s back up to the very beginning.

The seating of the mothers and grandmothers is pretty much the kick off. All of the incidental music before the service ends and a song is usually chosen for escorting in these ladies. The order generally goes: groom’s grandmother(s); bride’s grandmother(s); groom’s mother(s) and bride’s mother(s). There is a variation of this order depending on whom you talk to, but this is what is generally followed in the weddings I do.

After the mothers and grandmothers are seated the minister, groom, best man, and groomsmen enter from a side door, in that order, and stand facing the back of the room waiting for the ladies to walk down the aisle one at a time. The bridesmaids song starts and they slowly enter, starting with the one on the outside and working inward to the maid of honor who goes last.

Now, if you are in a situation where the groomsmen ARE escorting the ladies to the alter (either out of the bride’s preference or because there are steps or other impediments that make it better for the bridesmaids to have an arm to hold onto) then only the minister and groom will walk out together, face the back of the room, and wait for rest of the wedding party. Another variation is for the minister, groom, AND best man to walk out together, but that means the maid of honor will have to walk down the aisle alone (she is usually the last bridesmaid to walk in).

Once all the bridesmaids are in the only thing left is to send the ring-bearer and the flower-girl down the aisle. The flower-girl should go last thing before the bride, so the ring-bearer would go first if you have both. The best thing is for them to stand right in front of the best man and maid of honor, who will hopefully keep them in place and urge them to walk back down the aisle together when it is their turn. Often they will go and sit with a family member. Whatever they do is fine. They are basically ice-breakers anyway.

NOTE: the bride’s mother usually stands first when the bride appears in the back. That is a moment of honor for the mother of the bride and a signal to everybody else to stand for the bride. More recently, the groom's mother is asked to stand at the same time in the more contemporary weddings.

As the music fades I usually give some words of encouragement to help you relax. Let me say right here that you should not feel like there is anything you need to remember (unless you’ve chosen to memorize your vows, which I highly discourage). I will have the text of your service in front of me and will tell you what to do and what to say as the service progresses. You should just relax and enjoy it, taking mental pictures and soaking up the feelings as they come.

Advice at the ring exchange: if you can't push that ring over your beloved's knuckle, let them do it. You should not struggle with it or hurt the other trying to force the ring on, but rather let them finish putting it on while you pay attention to what you are repeating. Also, it is best to let the best man hold both the rings during the service because your maid of honor will be holding both your flowers and hers at this point.

Once I pronounce you husband and wife and the bride gets her flowers back, you turn and face everyone, I usually pronounce you as Mr. and Mrs. Jones, recessional music starts and you walk. Once the bride and groom clear the last row of chairs, the flower-girl and ring-bearer will walk together (if they are there and with the help of the best man and maid of honor if needed). If they are not there, then the best man and maid of honor will look at each other step out into the middle, best man offers his arm, maid of honor takes it, and they walk.

When they are halfway down the aisle the next couple will look at each other, step out to the center, groomsman offers his arm, bridesmaid takes it, and they walk – and so on until they are all gone.

Then, if this is part of the plan, the mothers and grandmothers are escorted out, starting with the mother of the bride and going backwards from the way they were escorted in. The minister will hold his place until those family members are taken away.

Now, two things can happen at this point. If there are final instructions for the audience regarding the reception, I would have the musician or DJ fade the music and I give them at this point. Then I ask the music person to bring up another song for the brief moments while the room clears. That is a magical moment, with the hubbub of excited guests that deserves a nice pad of music under it, preferably NOT the song the bride walked out to, but something completely different. That is a nice finishing touch that comes with years of experience.

And the last finishing touches are pretty simple. When they first walk in, all of the wedding party should face the back of the room as they wait for the bride. The groomsmen should stand with their hands in front, left over right, all the same. The ladies should hold their bouquets not too high (which covers the neckline of their dress) and not too low (over their privates) but somewhere in the middle, usually with their thumb about at about the bellybutton level. This depends on the size of the bouquet and the cut of the dress.

As the bride walks in with her escort, the entire wedding party should literally keep her in front of them a she is the focal point of the day. If they do this, once the bride gets to the front they will all be turned inward at an attractive angle -- and in unison, which makes for a nice bit of polish.

And at the recessional, as the groomsmen and bridesmaids wait for the couple in front of them to walk, they should NOT shift, but simply stay in their spot until it is their time to go. The only movement they should make once they are in place is to rotate to keep the bride in front of them.

As the bridesmaids and groomsmen come together in the middle to recess, they should look at each other, step out at the same time, gentleman offers his arm, lady gently clutches it at the crook and they walk together. At rehearsals I tell the groomsmen to remember: lobster claw, chicken wing, which means make a loose fist like a lobster claw and put it over your belt buckle while sticking your arm out like a chicken wing. It gets a laugh but it helps them to remember.

The very last detail I see to before a wedding is to give the groom a fresh, clean, white handkerchief for the bride in case she cries (or needs it because of the heat at an outdoor wedding). People don’t carry handkerchiefs anymore, but if there is one day when you need one, it’s your wedding day.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

How To Design Your Wedding Ceremony (The Long and Short of It)

As I write my fifth post, I realize that I need to update those who stumbled in late on where I’m coming from. I am a rare breed of wedding minister that is not affiliated with any particular church and can perform any kind of wedding from Agnostic to Zen. Ministers from established churches do not usually let the couple be a part of the actual order of service for your wedding, but guys like me do. See my earlier post on choosing a wedding minister.

This posting is for those who don’t have a regular minister or are having a civil wedding in the location of their choice and so are putting together their own, customized service. These couples have the luxury of designing their service to any degree they wish, so this particular post digs a little deeper into the fine details of your wedding ceremony.

Later I will be posting about wedding issues that more broadly apply to all couples regardless of your situation.

When a couple books me for a wedding, one of the first things I like to do is find out what kind of service they want – religious, civil, or a blend -- and start emailing samples to them. One of the reasons that I send entire services is so that you can see how a wedding service goes together. If I just sent a laundry list of parts you might not know what order things should go.

Let me first say, there is no right or wrong, but there is somewhat of an order to a service that can be easily explained. The whole process is a coming together of two individual people and the structure of the service somewhat reflects that. Let me explain.

The couple starts out single, so the wedding party would reflect that by having the minister, groom, and groomsmen enter from a side door and stand in their places at the front while the girls come in one at a time, which reflects that the happy couple is not yet put together. Of course, there are times when it is a good idea to have the groomsmen escort the bridesmaids up the aisle – like when a bride wants it that way or when there are steps or other impediments where it is helpful for the girls to have an arm to hold onto.

Then you’re standing at the front but somebody is standing between you, usually the nervous father of the bride but any escort will do (or no escort, as it sometimes happens). You both answer a question with, “I do,” then Dad goes away and you are standing side by side, shoulder to shoulder in front of me for maybe a few more words about marriage.

Then the bride hands her flowers over and you face each other and recite vows. Then you put rings on each other. Then you are holding hands. Then you are declared husband and wife. Then you kiss. Then you walk out together and the groomsmen escort out the bridesmaids, a reflection of the wedding couple having just been united.

That’s the big picture. At the smaller level, the parts of a wedding ceremony are fairly easy to understand. It’s like a long speech with some action thrown in around the middle (if you use props – see my post about using props during your service).

Here’s the order of the typical wedding ceremony.  Either an opening prayer and welcoming (or just a welcoming for the civil services) is then followed by some kind of address to the attendees and also to the couple themselves. (Sometimes the Dad is seated right away even before the attendees are seated and before the welcoming – depending on need and the bride's preference.)

After that first address from the minister there may be a reading, either by the minister or a family member or friend, which is is a good way to include people whom you couldn’t have in your wedding party.

Then there is the long question that you answer with, “I do” or “I will.” If the bride’s escort is still there, he is then asked, “Who presents this woman to be married to this man?” Or something like that, to which he replies, “Her mother and I.”

Once the dad goes away you then repeat the vows and exchange the rings. The “I do’s,” vows, and ring exchange is the meat of the service, or the heart of the service. After these parts the couple usually starts to relax and enjoy the service a little more.

At this point you would include any symbolic ceremony of your choice, like the unity candle, sand ceremony, rose ceremony, water ceremony…you get the idea. Again, see my post on using props during a wedding service.

After that you might have one more short address to the couple, maybe a short reading (or prayer if it’s a religious service). After that is the pronouncement, which says something like, “Now that you have done this, that, and the other --and have agreed to this, that, and the other -- I now pronounce you husband and wife,”

Then the kiss (and the stomping of the glass if that applies to you). People clap and cheer. At this point the minister will tell you to get your flowers back from the maid (or matron) of honor and turn and face the audience. The minister will pronounce you as Mr. and Mrs. Whomever, cue exit music, and you walk.

Now, if the bride is not changing her name or hyphenating it, we can make the pronouncement go something like, “Please welcome Brad and Janet in their new lives together as husband and wife,” thus skipping the whole name-change issue altogether. This works well for the more liberated couples as well.

Words of wisdom concerning pulling together the rough draft for your ceremony: remember that you can read the service in your mind much faster than I can say it out loud.  The ceremonies I send out are all about the right length for a normal to small sized wedding.  A good rule of thumb is, the fewer the attendees the shorter the service should be.

When a couple tries to put together a service where they envision thirty minutes of me yakking, I end up saying the same thing over and over but in different ways. This can be tedious for everybody, including the bride and groom, especially at outdoor weddings where heat or the threat of rain is a factor.

Unless you are marrying in a church with a service that includes communion, you should expect a normal to large sized wedding service to last a total of about twenty to twenty five minutes, including the seating of the mothers and grandmothers and the exit of the entire wedding party, including said parents.

The actual service itself usually lasts about fifteen minutes or so. That may seem short, but in the hundreds of weddings I have performed over the years, I have seen the discomfort of couples and guests at the longer weddings when I seemingly go on and on, and it’s not pretty – especially if we are out in the hot sun.

Once I let a bride talk me into a REALLY long service. After I had been going on for almost half an hour, I finally came to the ending, which included the Apache Wedding Chant -- you know the one. It goes, “Now you will feel no rain…”

We happened to be in a big, glass conservatory and it actually started to rain just as I said those words. I rolled my eyes upward and the whole room, including the bride and groom, roared with laughter, which broke the tension that had built up during this extra-long service. I learned my lesson that day.

So if you are pulling together your own rough draft for your ceremony, you can time it by reading the text out loud, rather slowly. Public speaking is all about setting a certain pace and utilizing pauses so that everybody follows you and becomes engaged with what you are saying, so slow down! Doing this can also show you how long thirty minutes can be when it’s filled with somebody talking.

Other than length, the other issue of your wedding ceremony might be: making sure that everything in your ceremony is something that you WANT there; making sure that everything that you want to be included IS included; and making sure the groom has had a chance to offer an opinion of what he thinks should or should not be in your ceremony (they can surprise you sometimes).

Regardless of how long or short, big or small your wedding is the important thing is to enjoy it. Getting married should be fun. It’s a celebration to be savored, not a marathon to be endured.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Use of Wedding Props (Candles in the Wind)

Last post I briefly touched on having a Unity Candle Ceremony during your outdoor wedding service and how it is hard to do without the right know-how and planning. Here is an entire post dedicated to the use of props during your service, which depends on both personal preference and choice of location.

Some couples don’t use props because they don’t want the extra tasks props require, especially if they are doing much of the work themselves. It’s easier for this type of couple to choose a service that does not require props that have to be bought, brought, and put out for the ceremony – plus actually dealing with the props during the service and the anticipation of dropping or otherwise messing up the whole thing.

You have many options for that symbolic part of your service that usually happens after the vows and rings have been exchanged and which often involves props.  Beyond the unity candle there is the sand ceremony, the rose ceremony, the hands ceremony, the wine ceremony, the water ceremony – the list goes on.

The biggest considerations for these ceremonies within your ceremony is handling the actual props, moving around in a dress with a long (or even a short) train, and the responsibility of making sure the props make it to the wedding and are set in the proper place for the service -- and whether or not your choice of prop works outdoors or indoors, whichever you have selected.

Let’s look at some of the choices.

The Rose Ceremony involves exchanging roses as the first gifts to each other as husband and wife, then keeping a place just for roses in their home. Putting a rose there says to the other anything from “I love you” to “I am sorry,” depending on the circumstance. This works indoors or outdoors with no moving around for the bride and groom. Usually the best man and the maid (or matron) of honor will carry the respective roses or they will be placed where the minister can get them when the time comes.

Hand Fasting or Hand Binding involves loosely tying the bride and groom together with a long cloth-- either matching the brides dress or of a tartan variety – while I recite the words of the Hands Ceremony. Many couples don’t do the actual tying but just hold hands while I recite the words. If you do actually tie your hands together, the cloth needs to be at least four feet long and some rehearsal is needed to make sure all parties know how it works. The hard-core types will actually do the hand fasting over an anvil like they did during Celtic times. This prop works well indoors or outdoors, with or without the anvil.

The water ceremony and the wine ceremony simply involves drinking in turn while I recite specific words and works well indoors or outdoors. Nervous, shaky hands are the biggest culprits here. Best to use water instead of real wine in case some is spilled. Usually no moving around is required. The cup can be placed where the minister can get it when it is needed.

Practice using the actual props in advance is a good idea, especially for the sand ceremony.  Get some cheap play sand to practice with and save the colored sand for the service. This creates a keepsake for your mantel piece. You want to be sure to use a wide-mouthed jar to pour into and more slender containers to pour from. Keep in mind that if the wind really kicks up at an outdoor wedding, the sand ceremony can be risky and an eye irritant.

Making unity candles work outdoors is very difficult. The only way it ever works is to use glass covers over them. Even with the glass globes they can be hard to light even on the seemingly calmest of days. 

Most importantly, if you use glass covers, you risk serious burn if you grab them too close to the top where they can get really hot. Remember to grasp the glass covers down low where they are still cool. Hopefully your wedding planner or minister would remind you just before your service. There is still the risk that you will forget, or that an unexpected draft will blow out the candles while they are briefly uncovered -- or that it will simply be too windy to light them.

It is uncomfortable for everybody when a couple struggles to light the unity candle outdoors, just to have it blow out as soon as they walk away.  I have seen a harpist’s fingers practically bleed while waiting for the couple to get the unity candle lit. I think I saw somebody ordering pizza. I usually suggest that the couple simply pretend if the candles won’t stay lit on the first two or three tries.

Another big decision for the unity candles is whether or not the bride and groom should blow out their individual tapers after together lighting the center candle, which depends on the preference of the bride and groom and their religious leanings (or the opinion of any mothers that happen to be around). If asked, I always suggest they leave all the candles burning as nobody is dying here. It depends on your denomination and beliefs and should your decision to make.

If having a unity candle is really important to you, maybe consider planning for an indoor wedding where there is less risk of burn or the candles blowing out. Otherwise, you might consider one of the simpler symbolic services or avoid using props altogether.

Whatever your plans, give careful consideration and lots of thought (and practice) to using props in your wedding service so they can be an important and meaningful part of a beautiful ceremony and not a distraction that steals the dignity that your special day deserves.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Vows: To Talk or Not to Talk

When planning your actual wedding service, should you have that luxury (see post dated September 21, 2010 about choosing your wedding minister), there comes a point where you have to decide what to do about your actual vows. You may like the vows that are already in the ceremony of your choice, but sometimes a couple wants more – or less. Let me explain.

Loosely, there are two parts to your vows: the “I do’s” (sometimes called the statement of intent); and the part where you repeat after me.  If you have a choice, there are reasons to have, or not have, either or both. You can quote me on that.

Obviously, your more traditional service will have both, with a question thrown in for Dad about giving away his precious daughter. That question usually goes, “Who presents this woman to be married to this man?” (I can’t think about giving away my own daughter. I see the pain in the dad’s eyes every week – well, most weeks.) The more liberated service might skip that part.

A more contemporary service will often have either “I do's” or repeats, but NOT both. When designing your own service, there is no right or wrong. For couples that don’t really want to say much out loud, the choice to skip the repeat-after-me part makes sense. They can put all the important stuff into the question that they answer “I do” or “I will.”

If you also keep the repeats short at the ring exchange (something like, “with this ring I thee wed” as you place the ring on each others' finger) a couple can get married and only say eight words aloud. This idea is appealing to many couples especially if a bride or groom suffers from stage fright, is not a native English speaker, or is physically handicapped and cannot speak clearly. 

Of course, it’s easy to skip the “I do’s” if they don’t fit into your contemporary ceremony. Just highlight and hit “backspace.”

Some people get more creative with the vows than just writing their own or repeating them after me. Sometimes a couple will bring their vows with them to the altar, written on scrolls or nice, handmade paper, and either read them aloud to each other or give them to me to repeat aloud. (I don’t recommend memorizing anything for your wedding day, much less your vows.) Sometimes a couple will simply exchange the scrolls and the minister says something like, “The bride and groom have prepared vows for each other, which they will share together later in private.” I kind of like this but it only fits for certain couples and certain ceremonies.

As for writing your own vows, that idea is attractive to many couples. Just remember to read over lots of other vows first to get ideas. Sometimes couples are satisfied to Frankenstein together their own vows by putting together individual lines of other vows into their own, personalized set of vows.

If you move forward with writing your original or pieced-together vows, make sure you design them to have nice breaks for repeating aloud and not long, prose-like sentences that don’t make sense when offered up in pieces. Keep in mind that you don’t want to have more than four to six words to remember at one time when repeating after me. Most importantly, try them out loud on each other. Sometimes two words look just fine next to each other on the printed page but become mortal enemies when spoken aloud.

Don’t be discouraged if your project of writing your own vows does not come to fruition. Many couples don’t follow through with this idea because, first, it is really difficult; and next, you must both have the right personalities to even try writing your own vows, and that kind of personality is somewhat rare. It would be unusual for both of you to really be into writing your own vows.  And lastly, most couples that don’t succeed in writing their own vows simply run out of time. In this economy many couples do a lot of the work themselves and run short on time as the day draws near.

The best idea is to have a back-up plan – a set of vows that is acceptable to both that can be given over to the minister at least a day before your service so that he can prepare for it. That way you’re covered if either of you can’t come up with your own words in time. 

DO NOT agree to get extemporaneous at your wedding and just wing it when it comes to your vows. Your day is too important to leave to chance and a nervous groom or bride. If you can’t write your own vows, give yourselves a break and choose some that are already written or do the swapping of the scrolls thing.

As for humor in your service, it can work but you must be careful. Although a wedding ceremony is a very dignified event, I have had couples personalize the service to point out well-known foibles in one or both of the couple and got tons of laughs. Just be careful to make sure it is a trait that is VERY obvious to everybody so the joke simply can’t be missed. You don’t want to hear crickets on your wedding day – only the peals of laughter and wedding bells.

-Rev. Sam

www.revsam.com

Choosing Your Wedding Minister

So, you’re engaged. Congratulations! Now, what will you do? The first step is to determine your budget and start selecting your venue and vendors. Shop carefully and check testimonials. You don’t get married too often, so you want to be careful whom you choose to be a part of your day.

Since I’m a wedding minister, I’ll offer some words of advice when selecting a minister. There aren’t a lot of non-denominational ministers out there who are willing to perform weddings outside of their respective churches (and their rules). Guys like me are rare – mostly because without a church it’s hard to make a living doing this on a full-time basis. We don’t make much money and we don’t have big advertising budgets so it’s hard to find us – it’s the classic chicken and egg thing. A good national resource is http://www.gatheringguide.com, or you can simply use Google maps and search for “wedding minister” in the area where you will marry.

If you are marrying outside the church and are looking for a minister you have some distinct advantages, such as choosing whom you like and having complete control over what is said at your service. I did not have that luxury.  I got married by an old-fashioned minister who was about to retire. I knew he had no intention of letting me be a part of the words he chose to marry me and my wife – that’s not how those guys roll. Most ministers affiliated with a church will not give you the option of selecting your service much less altering or writing your own vows.

Independent ministers like me are happy to perform both religious and civil services that are selected and customized by the couples themselves. I do religious weddings, interfaith weddings and weddings that are completely secular in nature, especially in cases where a person of the Catholic faith is seeking to marry outside the church, as it is required. Some couples will even write all or part of their ceremony and then ask me to perform it, which I am happy to do. It makes for a more interesting day at the office for me. And, there are few things as lovely as a Zen Buddhist wedding or as unique as a Celtic service.

Hopefully your minister will be willing to take into account your special circumstances and will work with you to create a lovely service that fits your families and makes you happy. If you can’t meet with your minister, at least speak with him or her on the phone. You can tell a lot by a person’s voice.  There is a certain amount of meshing of personalities, so make sure you speak with your minister if possible.

Again, this is a one-shot deal so you want it to be right. I try to meet couples after hours and on weekends – much like a real estate agent’s hours. Often it is important to the couple that we meet, so I try to oblige them when I can. If you can meet, you should try to have your rough draft pulled together by the time you meet so you can have a productive meeting.

Here’s a piece of advice: you should not wait until the last minute to select your wedding minister. I book as much as a year and a half in advance for some of my spring weddings, so  you should book a minister as soon as you find the one you like. Every year a couple will dilly-dally and fail to contact me to let me know they want me and then their day and time will get taken by another couple.

Make sure your minister will be wearing something appropriate for your service. You don’t want your minister to show up wearing flowery robes and peacock feathers when the groom and groomsmen are wearing black tuxes, for example.

Also, you want to make sure that the minister will stick to the text that you sign-off on before the service. I always love to tell the story told to me by a prospective couple who had attended a friend’s wedding where, to the dismay of everyone, the minister broke into an acapella version of “You are So Beautiful” as sung by Joe Cocker – directly to the bride, not like that was uncomfortable or anything…

-Rev. Sam
www.revsam.com

Coming soon! Vows: To Talk or Not to Talk.

First Post -- Firsties!!!!

Does it count if you say "firsties" on your own first post? I doubt it. What does count is that fact that getting married should be a fun and romantic adventure. I hope to post ideas and venues and point out some great vendors that all make up the wedding industry here in beautiful Northeast Georgia.

I say "welcome" to all who stumble upon these words and I hope they are helpful and useful as you plan for the most important day of your lives as a couple. Congratulations on your engagement and I hope your life together will be richly blessed.

What's on my mind right now is how beautiful it is over in Tallulah Gorge and how much I enjoyed a wedding I did there once. I love to go there with my family. It's a great place to have a very small, intimate wedding that you can enjoy -- with the more fit people in your life. There are some very intense hills to reckon with but the most beautiful overlook is actually the easiest to get to and the shortest hike from the visitor's center.

For larger weddings I would call to see what they have available for larger parties and whether or not what you want to do fits within what they allow. I recently discovered Chota Falls, which is a wonderfully exclusive wedding venue that is very conveniently located and very well equipped to serve many size wedding parties. They have a beautiful falls on the grounds that creates a perfect setting for a wedding. Check them out!

Soon the leaves will turn and I will want to stop at Tallulah on my way to to North Carolina where my family goes to get away from it all. We plan to go back to Tallulah Gorge real soon and hike all the way to the bottom of the gorge, which is one of the oldest natural formations on the earth! These hills are old and sacred here in the South.

-Rev. Sam
www.revsam.com